IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

	Sexscape Navigator
	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

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Text: Delinquent to sectleadernie

[noneforyou]

[ It's been a while since the two of them have last made proper contact, and Xue Yang is getting annoyed with Nie Huaisang's absence. Even poking around the complex as a cat, it feels like he's seen much less of the man recently, and if nothing else he wants to make sure that Nie Huaisang isn't forgetting their arrangement. ]

Meet me in that room.

I'm not giving you a choice.

[ A threat? Absolutely. But considering where he's calling Nie Huaisang out to, the chance that it's going to end in death is lower than it might otherwise be.

Not zero, of course, but lower.

He's already waiting in the room in question: a small, sparsely-furnished living space closest to the rear entrance of the replicated Unclean Realm. ]

action

[illicitly]

[Their arrangement hasn't been forgotten. In fact, Xue Yang's message comes just about on schedule. Huaisang stares at the text, the rebellious part of his soul that no amount of oppression can ever seem to completely crush completely momentarily tempted to ignore it out of spite for being ordered into a meeting.

To say his mood has been rather dark since Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng disappeared is an understatement. He's done his best to keep himself distracted or occupied, an intimately familar coping mechanism for dealing with loss. Focusing on tasks like finishing the wards around the saber room, improving the fortress's defenses, and working on contingency plans to protect the islanders from dangers of this world have kept him busy enough to the point he hasn't wallowed in his sorrow completely. He's been quiet, pensive, and a bit more brooding than usual the few times he's ventured out of the central residence.

Within the Qinghe Nie Sect, the current sect leader's behavior is pretty typical, the disciples accustomed to his secrecy and sudden absences from the Unclean Realm, and years of habit are hard to break. However, Huaisang continues to be keenly aware of his lack of manpower to effectively deal with threats to his life so after heaving a resigned sigh, he simply heads toward their meeting place.

He shuffles into the room, listless in his robes, expression shadowed and eyes downcast. He doesn't say a word, simply waits to see what Xue Yang will do next.]

[noneforyou]

[ The moment Nie Huaisang closes the door behind him Xue Yang is nearly on top of him, more or less bodily pinning him there. He stares straight into Nie Huaisang's eyes, their lips barely inches apart when he speaks. ]

Are you gonna talk?

[ At this point, he's not expecting it. Nie Huaisang has been almost useless when it came to actually providing Xue Yang with information. By now, Xue Yang is expecting it. But there's always things that are useful besides information, and now that Xue Yang understands how their lists and the related rewards work a little better than the last time he confronted Nie Huaisang, he's a lot more accepting of the alternative arrangements the two of them have fallen into. Beyond the high of the physical pleasure, there's longer-term benefits to be gained too.

So if Nie Huaisang wants to keep his tongue he's going to be using his mouth for something, and whether that's kissing or spilling secrets is a decision he gets to make for himself, right now. ]

[illicitly]

What is there to talk about? They're gone.

[Huaisang holds Xue Yang's gaze without flinching, not even trying to push him away or extricate himself any more. The people he most wanted to protect from Xue Yang are safely beyond his reach now, pieces guarded by their absence from the board. As for the rest, he is still appraising their true value and maneuverability in he case he has to play.

And of course, there's the question of whether Huaisang even still has it in him to keep playing in the first place.

However, he has no strong desire to push Xue Yang away either. Huaisang supposes his initial reason for getting involved in this still stands. Stealing his enemy's weapon away for his own might still be useful, even if as the months pass here, the harder it is to stay focused on taking down someone not even in the same world as him.

So Huaisang simply sighs and leans forward to kiss his 'captor', unusually soft and almost tender compared to their usual ones. He extricates and lifts his hands to cup Xue Yang's face in them, gently brushing his fingertips along his skin.]

[noneforyou]

[ They may be gone, but there are still others here. Beyond the two daozhang that Xue Yang is familiar with, there are others living in this very complex that Nie Huaisang surely has more information on than the little--or nothing--that he's told Xue Yang about already.

But he's already made it clear that sex is an acceptable substitute for information, and he's not about to change his mind now.

Xue Yang kisses back, not gentle so much as slow at first. He only has a vague idea how to do "gentle", and that's not what he's looking for when he calls on Nie Huaisang. That lasts a few seconds, but then he suddenly shoves Nie Huaisang back the few inches he's gained to pin him against the door. Xue Yang gives a sharp nip to Nie Huaisang's lip before resuming the kiss, this time pressing them together with force. His fingers curl in his robes, but he doesn't start to strip him just yet. ]

[illicitly]

[He'd expected this and on some level, the predictability of it is a strange comfort in and of itself. It makes it easier for Huaisang to distance himself, maintain that firm boundary between the physical and the emotional. He'd lost control of himself for a while, he's come to realize, letting his feelings start to become too entangled with the person, allowing his mind become too unfocused and his thoughts to be led astray. He'd gotten too comfortable and hoped for too much, despite always knowing deep down that it was never going to happen anyway.

Maybe this is all he's good for now, being shoved around, manhandled, or used to satisfy other people's desires if he's too paralyzed by fear, guilt, and grief to reach for anything more. Why not just indulge in meaningless, emotionless sex and call that companionship for a while?

Huaisang starts to respond a little less woodenly to Xue Yang, his body starting to stir a little more beneath the force with which he's being kissed and pinned, as his cock begins to stiffen slightly. His eyes shut as his hands fall to rest weakly on Xue Yang's shoulders before sliding up again to curl against the back of his neck.

Xue Yang might have come to him for rough sex but it seems like Huaisang's just not in the mood for that today and coaxing that out of him might take a lot more convincing.]

cw: references to noncon

[noneforyou]

[ In Xue Yang's mind, it doesn't entirely matter what Nie Huaisang wants. He's being given sex in exchange for not maiming him, so either sex will happen, or Nie Huaisang loses his tongue. And if that means Xue Yang has to do all the work to a reluctant or outright resisting body, then that's what he'll do.

But Nie Huaisang is responding at least for now, so Xue Yang isn't at the point of asserting full control forcefully. He breaks the kiss with another nip, then ducks his head a little to start placing marks on Nie Huaisang's neck. Hands deftly begin to undo the robes in front of him so he can get access to more skin. ]

cw: questionable coping mechanisms and dubcon

[illicitly]

[Huaisang doesn't resist the attempt to disrobe him, even he isn't helping him along with his usual enthusiasm. He does, however, tilts his head back to give Xue Yang easier access to his neck, a subtle and understated gesture of consent. Even if the other man isn't concerned with such things, it helps Huaisang to cope with more or less being a prisoner in this arrangement of theirs. If compliance, whether it's feigned or genuine, is what he has to do survive this twisted dalliance fully intact, so be it.

It's a familiar dance, anyway, being this close to someone lacking full awareness of just what Nie Huaisang is capable of or willing to do to reach the finish line so he can finally rest in peace. It's also an exciting one, the same allure vulnerable prey holds for a starving predator, he assumes. His body's starting to stir more on instinct and a quiet moan escapes him as he suddenly shrugs out of his robes, one hand sliding down to grab Xue Yang's ass while the other moves down to grab his crotch through his clothing, massaging it roughly.]

[noneforyou]

[ Xue Yang likes that roughness, even (especially) on such a vulnerable part of his body. He gives an appreciative bite in return as the two of them work Nie Huaisang out of his robes the rest of the way.

He's assuming that he's going to take charge of this until Nie Huaisang makes motions otherwise. He's the type who will submit, but he doesn't offer such a thing: it needs to be asserted by someone willing to put in the work to make it worth his while. Until that happens, Xue Yang is more than happy to direct things himself.

So he rolls his hips into those touches and slowly threads his fingers into Nie Huaisang's hair as he continues marking Nie Huaisang's skin. Once he has enough purchase with his hand he grabs and tugs slightly, not a pull, but enough to make it clear he could if he wanted to. Then he starts to nudge the both of them towards the bed. ]

[illicitly]

[While Huaisang has generally preferred to be the one in charge of these encounters, lashing out his frustrations and stress upon Xue Yang, he's discovering there's relief in this. Not thinking, not planning, just surrendering himself to a force he can't fight off. The hand gripping his hair as Xue Yang pushes him, naked, toward the bed is remind Huaisang of the uncomfortable truth that he's not a fullly willing participant in these trysts and Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng aren't here to protect him anymore.

Rather than being repulsed by the thought, it excites him, like the rough handling. Huaisang's still not sure what to think of this side of himself still that Xue Yang keeps drawing out of him but right now, he doesn't want to think or feel at all so when the back of his legs hit the side of the bed, he sits down. Iimmediately, he starts rubbing his cheek all over the other man's crotch out of an almost animalistic survival instinct, pausing now and then to lightly bite Xue Yang through the cloth.

After a couple of minutes of this, Huaisang stops to look up at him with those big eyes that have fooled so many into believing him harmless.]

What would you like for me to do for you, Master Xue?

[The words flow out of him naturally, improvised and glib the way only a perfect liar with a keen, creative mind can manage on the fly. The role of the submissive man is an intimately familiar one, its performance flawless after so many years of practice. This is the first he's ever applies to this kind of scenarion, though...]

[noneforyou]

[ Within his pants, Xue Yang gets harder and harder under Nie Huaisang's attention. There's so many aspects to this that excite him: not just the nuzzling, but the power he has over Nie Huaisang, the memories of how intense their previous sessions have been... and yes, even the threat of those teeth on such a sensitive part of him.

At the address, Xue Yang laughs. No one has ever referred to him like that before, because he's never really had the dynamic where it would happen. He's never been with someone both obedient and willing who called him by name. The fact that it's a sect leader, and the younger brother of a man who was calling so vehemently for Xue Yang's death, just makes it all the sweeter.

He tightens his grip in Nie Huaisang's hair again as he surveys the room. The things that he'd left here last time are still around, arranged for easy access, and Xue Yang's gaze falls on the blindfold. The corner of his mouth quirks up.

He doesn't say anything. He just lets go, grabs the blindfold, and starts to put it on Nie Huaisang. His expression probably makes it clear that the two of them are of similar minds when it comes to how they're treating this relationship. Xue Yang looks almost affectionate, in the way one would look at a favored toy or pet, though he's not without the dangerous edge that's nearly always present. He's still working on securing it the last little bit when he leans down and resumes their heavy, biting kiss. ]

[illicitly]

[The glimpse of Xue Yang's expression that Huaisang gets just before the blindfold obscures his vision carries it's own strange sort of comfort. A physical relationship devoid of deep loyalty or emotion suits him just fine. The less he has to care, the fewer considerations he has to make about Xue Yang's well-being or feelings. There's freedom in simply not caring about the other person that make me much easier to act and respond with little inhibition.

Blindly, Huaisang kisses back, biting back with a bit more energy now as his hand gropes for Xue Yang's cock through his clothing, squeezing him hard and twisting, before breaking the kiss with a soft gasp before speaking again, a bit breathless.]

Master Xue, how can I please you today? I need instruction. Guidance on how you can use me.

[Because that's what they're doing here, isn't it? Using each other.]

[noneforyou]

[ It makes Xue Yang gasp into the kiss and continue to bite in return. The roughness suits him well, and if this weren't a day where he's planning to push Nie Huaisang down, he might consider demanding even more.

Instead he grabs Nie Huaisang's wrists and grips them tight enough to possibly start cutting off circulation. ]

Today I'm gonna tie you up and fuck you. And you're not gonna be able to stop me.

[ Not that he ever really can, Xue Yang thinks, but there's often at least the illusion of it.

He shoves him over backwards bodily, falling on top of him as he does so he can pin Nie Huaisang's hands up over his head against the bed. He gives one more biting kiss before he starts to tie his wrists together with the same rope as last time. ]

[illicitly]

[It's a tight grip, one that hurts but Huaisang knows better than to struggle or scream, offering no resistance at all his wrists are bound to the bed. It's safer to keep silent, play along, and let Xue Yang have his way with him. He'd chosen surrender, after all. At least, for the time being.]

Why would I want to stop you? You fuck me so well.

[Somehow he does enjoy it, as messed up as it probably is to get off on all of this. Maybe the past ten years of relentless loneliness truly have driven him insane to think any of this was acceptable. His brother would have killed them both, Xue Yang by decapitation, Huaisang by the power of shame alone.

By all right, Huaisang should be terrified to be in such a vulnerable position with a known killer but he just feels numb. Maybe even a perverse curiosity and mild interest in just what the man plans on doing with him next.]

Will you be rough, Master Xue? Or do you want to go slower and savor things more this time?

[noneforyou]

I can do both.

[ He finishes tying the tie to the bed, making sure that Nie Huaisang's hands won't be going anywhere for a little while. Then he leans in and bites Nie Huaisang's lip.

That's all he gives for the moment, that teasing hint of violence with the undercurrent of sexual pleasure, as he shifts on the bed. Xue Yang settles with his legs straddling either side of Nie Huaisang's body, making a motion that could be like pinning him down as if they're not both well-aware that a cultivator's strength could easily send someone of Xue Yang's weight across the room even like this. But he's not worried about Nie Huaisang doing that.

Instead he slides a blade from his sleeve, letting the flat edge drag across the fabric in a way that makes a soft noise for Nie Huaisang to pick up on.

Xue Yang leans in and places a slow kiss on Nie Huaisang's neck, almost loving with how attentive it seems. On the other side of his neck, with the precise control of a cultivator, Xue Yang brings that blade to rest just on the surface of Nie Huaisang's skin, not enough to cut unless he deliberately moves himself into it (it's sharp, but not that sharp) but certainly enough to be felt. ]

UN: Lianfang-zun , Video

[taintedpeony]

[Here was the great and mightly Lianfang-zun most certainly hiding in some shrubbery in the middle of the gardens of Jinlin tai. He looked perfectly frantic if absolutely sexed up. Never mind the hickies all down his neck.]

Huaisang, I don't know if you are still awake...I think I fucked up. I don't know what to do but I definitely fucked up. he gave it to me. Fuck. How can I even think about that? He had me touch it to put it away.

Please pick up.

Please

[illicitly]

[Huaisang had been lightly dozing in bed, peaceful in a way that he's still trying to get used to when he gets the incoming message. He's used the communicator on his bracelet so rarely that he forgets it even has that function half the time so the beeping startles him fully awake. He's quick to answer the call, to silence the noise before it awakens the slumbering companion cuddled up to him, arms latched around him with a vice grip. Not that Huaisang minds it in the least.

The feed opens to show a downward angle of a rather flustered and disheveled looking Huaisang with a head of fluffy dark hair tucked up underneath his chin.

It takes him a moment to absorb all the information in the hickies and process the other man's panicked words. His gaze sharpens when pieces it all together pretty quickly.]

...Zewu-jun gave you his forehead ribbon when you had sex with him?

[His tone's calm and measured.]

[taintedpeony]

[He was currently curled up in a little ball, only really wearing his underrobes. He was partially considering burrowing under this bush and living out the rest of his days as a plant.]

It was after we had sex, we went to bathe. He, he had me put it away. I tried to tell him I would just dirty it with my hands but...

And then everything got sexual again, and Mingjue was involved. [He'll keep things vague here.]

And I think it hit me in the middle of the night. I snuck out and am hiding here.

The fucking significance of all of that. What do I even do with this? What is wrong with me? This is all a terrible idea and apparently, I can't take two steps without fucking over myself royally.

I've decided, I'm no longer a person. I am one with the plants. If you see a peony in my place please water me. [He was talking really fast, almost hyperventilating.]

...I didn't know who else to call.

[illicitly]

[For a moment, Huaisang just stares at the video, idly stroking Shi Qingxuan's hair as he takes all of this in. Truly, he's grateful for being spared the intimate details of just what Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen are doing with his brother's dick. There's just some information that siblings never need to know about each other's sex lives and that is one of them.

Though, honestly, how could A-Yao not have seen this coming? A Lan is a Lan, after all. Romance is practically in their blood! Of course, the ribbon would get involved.

After a moment, Huaisang just sighs. He keeps his voice low.]

Stop eating the food the puppets give out. There used to be untainted food stores on the grounds. Unless Xiao Xingchen has stopped bringing in fish and game from the outside, there should still be some available.

[Another sigh, but a faint mixture of exasperation and just maybe a little affection. Really, A-Yao. What is he going to do with you?]

Did you accept the ribbon? Are you going to? Do you want to?

[There's also the matter of whether it would even be ethical to do so in the first place but let's be real, ethical courses of action have never really been a first priority for either of them, has it?]

[taintedpeony]

[Okay, burrowing seemed like it was a better option. He can wash his robes he supposed but something about the cover of the bushes...Just seemed nice. He didn't know what about his panic attack made him feel like some sort of small feral animal. But on the other hand, both Xichen and Mingue were huge and less likely to find him curled up in a place like this. When Huaisang saw him next he was well covered under the flowers. His face lit up from the light of his device.]

I... know. I've mostly been eating what I make and some of the food at the cafe. [He took a breath.]

I don't know. I really don't.

[When the fuck did they switch places like this?! Okay he was just gonna take some deep breaths here.]

I don't know.

I...I had taken it to put away for him? He had me untie it from his hair... So I suppose I must have. I fucking accepted it. Even though I know

I do. I'm so conflicted. And when Mingjue kissed him, he started crying... He's from just after.. and it is all my fault...Just looking at them made me feel so fucking guilty...How did I make such a fucking mess in two days?

...I'm still lying to them.[A wracked sob escaped his lips and he covered his mouth with a hand.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang watches and listens, the somewhat tired and blank expression he'd been wearing softening a little with sympathy around the edges. Hadn't he been the same once? During his own masquerade? The anxiety and inner disarray is oddly nostalgic to see. A faint, slightly bitter smile curves his lips at those all too familar words. Yes, he knows this state of being all too painfully well.

His next words are blunt. Those that do not understand his man or the situation he's in might consider them a little cruel but his intentions are kind in the way a hunter putting a trapped, mortally wounded animal out of its misery is kind. He might appear soft and timid but he's still a Nie.]

Yes, you are lying to them. Any close, intimate relationship you build with them has a foundation in deception, A-Yao, as long as they are in the dark. Your feelings may fool you into believing that there's hope for a future, regardless. That so long as your love and intentions are pure, that will be enough. But the chances of that working out for most people are slim, at best.

[He pauses to take a breath, absently twining his fingers more deeply into his sleeping companion's hair.]

What is your goal here, anyway? Why are you sleeping with them? Is it a means to an end? Is it because you love and want a genuine relationship with them? That's a fine line to walk and takes a level of self-discipline and control that appears beyond you.

[Despite what vestiges of that starry-eyed, idealistic youth remain, he's an adult now. A sect leader. And while Huaisang might not be qualified to teach saber cultivation, he can be a capable instructor in other areas when he puts his mind to it.]

If you want to turn back time and do it all over again, that's just a fantasy. Chasing an impossible dream. If you want to make amends with them... they're not the same Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue that you know. Or I know for that matter.

[A brief pause.]

Unless there's something else that you want?

[taintedpeony]

[Jin Guangyao Knew Nie Huaisang well enough to know that any bluntness was him with good intentions. He had spent time with the Nies after all, he sometimes longed to be back there with them over the vipers nest the Jins were.

It honestly helped his spiraling thoughts. He managed to control the sobs after a few minutes, but the tears were still running. He listened attentively, really focusing on his words.]

...That had always been the case. I've never been in a relationship where I wasn't lying. I always thought it was to protect them, but perhaps I was trying to protect myself. I was lying to A-Su as well. And yes. I know. It'll probably end the same.

[He took a deep breath in and then let it go, really thinking about it.]

I know that they aren't the same people.

Still. I... I want to protect them. I want to fix what I've done. I think on some level I've always loved them, I loved them both so much. They were the first people who made me feel like I was worth anything. And I see them and I just remember everything I loved. How Mingjue had a bit of a stupid sense of humor, and how lovely and rich his laugh was...How fucking astute he was back then before... How his eyes just could bore and strip through you. You have the same quality these days.

And Xichen, I've always...I am still hurt and angry and... I am mad about it and mad at myself that I still fucking love them so deeply.

Master Shen says he may be able to help with the qi issues. I want to protect him, so much.

[He squeezed his eyes shut.]

But I feel so sad too. Where were they when I was being hurt every day in Koi tower? Dage didn't see it and still just kicked me down in a place where I didn't even have any power. Would anyone in the cultivation world have cared if I died? I already know the answer to that.


What I want is...

I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy even if I am not. I want to be treated like a person who isn't inherently bad or disgusting.

I don't know If I can ever have that.

[illicitly]

[It really is a lot to take in but Huaisang listens to every word, regardless. He just lets A-Yao talk and say what he needs to. He'd asked these questions for a reason, after all.

His eyes widen at the mention of Shen Qingqiu and not for the fact he was effectively pinned by his roommate, he might have sat up. Was it really possible? Might his advisor here know of a way to halt his brother's progression toward qi deviation? Shen Qingqiu was certainly powerful and enlightened, far more than any cultivator Huaisang's known personally, but he'd never thought to ask the man, given that Nie Mingjue had been long dead at the time they'd met and his own aversion to the saber.

He's getting distracted though. Huaisang takes a deep breath to bring himself back into focus.]

What you want with them may not be possible. You can't fix what was done to them. Maybe with Xichen-ge you can but... The crimes have already been committed. The victims have already suffered. You can take comfort in honoring the dead. Change your ways and don't repeat your offenses with those who are present here.

[Really, how did he get into this? He sighs. There's more points he could argue but Huaisang's tired and aside from the matter of Nie Mingjue's well-being in all of this, he doesn't particularly care. Not in the way Huaisang would have in their younger years. Not with the same depth of emotion. The scars on his heart run too deep now. That he's listening at all and hasn't simply hung up on Jin Guangyao is an act of extreme generosity itself.

But he knows what it's like to be scared, alone, and full of secrets that can never be shared with others, either to protect them or himself from harm. It's the way of being he relates to most these days.]

If you want to feel safe and loved, maybe you should consider friendship first. Start slow, take your time with them. Is there a particular reason to rush things here? I can't be sure how I long I was here before but it was for a couple of seasons, at least.

[Then again, Huaisang had gotten distracted by feelings for Wei Wuxian shortly after his arrival and proceeded to spend the next three months chaste and sexually frustrated him until the object of his affection vanished, leaving him to Xue Yang's attentions whether he'd wanted them or not. What does he know about how to proceed here, really?]

[taintedpeony]

I know. I know...I do.

I just...It's so much. It really is all too much. I thought I could keep this all at bay, focus on my goals like I always have. Focus on our shared goals. Focus on rebuilding and moving forward and not hurting anyone again.

Fine. I fucked a few times, with a few friends and got into weird situations...but it wasn't like this.

When we were together, they even noticed that I had gone far away, gotten stuck in my head. They noticed and actively worked on making me feel safe. They never noticed these things before.

[He was trembling all over in a way that the camera was shaking, he only curled in deeper into himself before speaking.]

And I think it's the realization that I have never felt safe before. With them, or with anyone.

[His eyes were watery again.] Why am I like this?

I think the ribb-the ribbon was...I don't know. I could keep things friendly or try to keep it at bay but I don't think I really can, not without avoiding them completely. I feel unmoored by them in a way that I just keep kissing them or wanting to.

Why do I beg for any scrap of love thrown my way?

[He was fundamentally broken. Broken in a way that he will let that corruption destroy everything he touches, as he greedily and desperately begs for love.

The thoughts only brought a fresh set of choked sobbing, which he was really trying to stop with a hand over his mouth.]

[illicitly]

[Are any of them not broken in some way? Cracking slowly by degrees over a span of years, all of them suffering in their own ways. The war that tore the cultivation world asunder had damaged them all in some way; not even those sheltered away from the front lines survived it completely unscathed.

In his younger years, the comment about safety would've stung. But instead, Huaisang simply averts his eyes away from the screen, expression blank and impassive once more. Honestly, he's not sure what A-Yao is hoping to accomplish here. Huaisang's not going to give him the answers or advice he seems to want to hear. He's not sure why he hasn't just hung up and gone back to sleep yet either. Huaisang isn't nearly altruistic enough to sit through this conversation much longer. He'd be struggling to listen or care with most people he didn't have a complicated history with and compassion fatigue is setting in fast.]

You've had a rough life. Most of us have and bear scars from it. These are simply the ones you have. Reflecting on them and how best to heal from them might be a better use of your time than fixating on your sudden realization that Xichen-ge and my brother are perceptive, observant men.

[At least, Huaisang manages to keep his tone civil, if slightly cool.]

There's a cold spring on the grounds. I suggest that you make use of it. It might help clear your mind. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning. It's late and obsessing about it all won't help you or them.

[Yet another tired, heavy sigh.]

Or do you need me to come get you? There's numerous unoccupied rooms in the servants' quarters. No one goes there and there's plenty of beds for you to rest in.