IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

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	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

Comments

UN: Lianfang-zun , Video

[taintedpeony]

[Here was the great and mightly Lianfang-zun most certainly hiding in some shrubbery in the middle of the gardens of Jinlin tai. He looked perfectly frantic if absolutely sexed up. Never mind the hickies all down his neck.]

Huaisang, I don't know if you are still awake...I think I fucked up. I don't know what to do but I definitely fucked up. he gave it to me. Fuck. How can I even think about that? He had me touch it to put it away.

Please pick up.

Please

[illicitly]

[Huaisang had been lightly dozing in bed, peaceful in a way that he's still trying to get used to when he gets the incoming message. He's used the communicator on his bracelet so rarely that he forgets it even has that function half the time so the beeping startles him fully awake. He's quick to answer the call, to silence the noise before it awakens the slumbering companion cuddled up to him, arms latched around him with a vice grip. Not that Huaisang minds it in the least.

The feed opens to show a downward angle of a rather flustered and disheveled looking Huaisang with a head of fluffy dark hair tucked up underneath his chin.

It takes him a moment to absorb all the information in the hickies and process the other man's panicked words. His gaze sharpens when pieces it all together pretty quickly.]

...Zewu-jun gave you his forehead ribbon when you had sex with him?

[His tone's calm and measured.]

[taintedpeony]

[He was currently curled up in a little ball, only really wearing his underrobes. He was partially considering burrowing under this bush and living out the rest of his days as a plant.]

It was after we had sex, we went to bathe. He, he had me put it away. I tried to tell him I would just dirty it with my hands but...

And then everything got sexual again, and Mingjue was involved. [He'll keep things vague here.]

And I think it hit me in the middle of the night. I snuck out and am hiding here.

The fucking significance of all of that. What do I even do with this? What is wrong with me? This is all a terrible idea and apparently, I can't take two steps without fucking over myself royally.

I've decided, I'm no longer a person. I am one with the plants. If you see a peony in my place please water me. [He was talking really fast, almost hyperventilating.]

...I didn't know who else to call.

[illicitly]

[For a moment, Huaisang just stares at the video, idly stroking Shi Qingxuan's hair as he takes all of this in. Truly, he's grateful for being spared the intimate details of just what Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen are doing with his brother's dick. There's just some information that siblings never need to know about each other's sex lives and that is one of them.

Though, honestly, how could A-Yao not have seen this coming? A Lan is a Lan, after all. Romance is practically in their blood! Of course, the ribbon would get involved.

After a moment, Huaisang just sighs. He keeps his voice low.]

Stop eating the food the puppets give out. There used to be untainted food stores on the grounds. Unless Xiao Xingchen has stopped bringing in fish and game from the outside, there should still be some available.

[Another sigh, but a faint mixture of exasperation and just maybe a little affection. Really, A-Yao. What is he going to do with you?]

Did you accept the ribbon? Are you going to? Do you want to?

[There's also the matter of whether it would even be ethical to do so in the first place but let's be real, ethical courses of action have never really been a first priority for either of them, has it?]

[taintedpeony]

[Okay, burrowing seemed like it was a better option. He can wash his robes he supposed but something about the cover of the bushes...Just seemed nice. He didn't know what about his panic attack made him feel like some sort of small feral animal. But on the other hand, both Xichen and Mingue were huge and less likely to find him curled up in a place like this. When Huaisang saw him next he was well covered under the flowers. His face lit up from the light of his device.]

I... know. I've mostly been eating what I make and some of the food at the cafe. [He took a breath.]

I don't know. I really don't.

[When the fuck did they switch places like this?! Okay he was just gonna take some deep breaths here.]

I don't know.

I...I had taken it to put away for him? He had me untie it from his hair... So I suppose I must have. I fucking accepted it. Even though I know

I do. I'm so conflicted. And when Mingjue kissed him, he started crying... He's from just after.. and it is all my fault...Just looking at them made me feel so fucking guilty...How did I make such a fucking mess in two days?

...I'm still lying to them.[A wracked sob escaped his lips and he covered his mouth with a hand.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang watches and listens, the somewhat tired and blank expression he'd been wearing softening a little with sympathy around the edges. Hadn't he been the same once? During his own masquerade? The anxiety and inner disarray is oddly nostalgic to see. A faint, slightly bitter smile curves his lips at those all too familar words. Yes, he knows this state of being all too painfully well.

His next words are blunt. Those that do not understand his man or the situation he's in might consider them a little cruel but his intentions are kind in the way a hunter putting a trapped, mortally wounded animal out of its misery is kind. He might appear soft and timid but he's still a Nie.]

Yes, you are lying to them. Any close, intimate relationship you build with them has a foundation in deception, A-Yao, as long as they are in the dark. Your feelings may fool you into believing that there's hope for a future, regardless. That so long as your love and intentions are pure, that will be enough. But the chances of that working out for most people are slim, at best.

[He pauses to take a breath, absently twining his fingers more deeply into his sleeping companion's hair.]

What is your goal here, anyway? Why are you sleeping with them? Is it a means to an end? Is it because you love and want a genuine relationship with them? That's a fine line to walk and takes a level of self-discipline and control that appears beyond you.

[Despite what vestiges of that starry-eyed, idealistic youth remain, he's an adult now. A sect leader. And while Huaisang might not be qualified to teach saber cultivation, he can be a capable instructor in other areas when he puts his mind to it.]

If you want to turn back time and do it all over again, that's just a fantasy. Chasing an impossible dream. If you want to make amends with them... they're not the same Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue that you know. Or I know for that matter.

[A brief pause.]

Unless there's something else that you want?

[taintedpeony]

[Jin Guangyao Knew Nie Huaisang well enough to know that any bluntness was him with good intentions. He had spent time with the Nies after all, he sometimes longed to be back there with them over the vipers nest the Jins were.

It honestly helped his spiraling thoughts. He managed to control the sobs after a few minutes, but the tears were still running. He listened attentively, really focusing on his words.]

...That had always been the case. I've never been in a relationship where I wasn't lying. I always thought it was to protect them, but perhaps I was trying to protect myself. I was lying to A-Su as well. And yes. I know. It'll probably end the same.

[He took a deep breath in and then let it go, really thinking about it.]

I know that they aren't the same people.

Still. I... I want to protect them. I want to fix what I've done. I think on some level I've always loved them, I loved them both so much. They were the first people who made me feel like I was worth anything. And I see them and I just remember everything I loved. How Mingjue had a bit of a stupid sense of humor, and how lovely and rich his laugh was...How fucking astute he was back then before... How his eyes just could bore and strip through you. You have the same quality these days.

And Xichen, I've always...I am still hurt and angry and... I am mad about it and mad at myself that I still fucking love them so deeply.

Master Shen says he may be able to help with the qi issues. I want to protect him, so much.

[He squeezed his eyes shut.]

But I feel so sad too. Where were they when I was being hurt every day in Koi tower? Dage didn't see it and still just kicked me down in a place where I didn't even have any power. Would anyone in the cultivation world have cared if I died? I already know the answer to that.


What I want is...

I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy even if I am not. I want to be treated like a person who isn't inherently bad or disgusting.

I don't know If I can ever have that.

[illicitly]

[It really is a lot to take in but Huaisang listens to every word, regardless. He just lets A-Yao talk and say what he needs to. He'd asked these questions for a reason, after all.

His eyes widen at the mention of Shen Qingqiu and not for the fact he was effectively pinned by his roommate, he might have sat up. Was it really possible? Might his advisor here know of a way to halt his brother's progression toward qi deviation? Shen Qingqiu was certainly powerful and enlightened, far more than any cultivator Huaisang's known personally, but he'd never thought to ask the man, given that Nie Mingjue had been long dead at the time they'd met and his own aversion to the saber.

He's getting distracted though. Huaisang takes a deep breath to bring himself back into focus.]

What you want with them may not be possible. You can't fix what was done to them. Maybe with Xichen-ge you can but... The crimes have already been committed. The victims have already suffered. You can take comfort in honoring the dead. Change your ways and don't repeat your offenses with those who are present here.

[Really, how did he get into this? He sighs. There's more points he could argue but Huaisang's tired and aside from the matter of Nie Mingjue's well-being in all of this, he doesn't particularly care. Not in the way Huaisang would have in their younger years. Not with the same depth of emotion. The scars on his heart run too deep now. That he's listening at all and hasn't simply hung up on Jin Guangyao is an act of extreme generosity itself.

But he knows what it's like to be scared, alone, and full of secrets that can never be shared with others, either to protect them or himself from harm. It's the way of being he relates to most these days.]

If you want to feel safe and loved, maybe you should consider friendship first. Start slow, take your time with them. Is there a particular reason to rush things here? I can't be sure how I long I was here before but it was for a couple of seasons, at least.

[Then again, Huaisang had gotten distracted by feelings for Wei Wuxian shortly after his arrival and proceeded to spend the next three months chaste and sexually frustrated him until the object of his affection vanished, leaving him to Xue Yang's attentions whether he'd wanted them or not. What does he know about how to proceed here, really?]

[taintedpeony]

I know. I know...I do.

I just...It's so much. It really is all too much. I thought I could keep this all at bay, focus on my goals like I always have. Focus on our shared goals. Focus on rebuilding and moving forward and not hurting anyone again.

Fine. I fucked a few times, with a few friends and got into weird situations...but it wasn't like this.

When we were together, they even noticed that I had gone far away, gotten stuck in my head. They noticed and actively worked on making me feel safe. They never noticed these things before.

[He was trembling all over in a way that the camera was shaking, he only curled in deeper into himself before speaking.]

And I think it's the realization that I have never felt safe before. With them, or with anyone.

[His eyes were watery again.] Why am I like this?

I think the ribb-the ribbon was...I don't know. I could keep things friendly or try to keep it at bay but I don't think I really can, not without avoiding them completely. I feel unmoored by them in a way that I just keep kissing them or wanting to.

Why do I beg for any scrap of love thrown my way?

[He was fundamentally broken. Broken in a way that he will let that corruption destroy everything he touches, as he greedily and desperately begs for love.

The thoughts only brought a fresh set of choked sobbing, which he was really trying to stop with a hand over his mouth.]

[illicitly]

[Are any of them not broken in some way? Cracking slowly by degrees over a span of years, all of them suffering in their own ways. The war that tore the cultivation world asunder had damaged them all in some way; not even those sheltered away from the front lines survived it completely unscathed.

In his younger years, the comment about safety would've stung. But instead, Huaisang simply averts his eyes away from the screen, expression blank and impassive once more. Honestly, he's not sure what A-Yao is hoping to accomplish here. Huaisang's not going to give him the answers or advice he seems to want to hear. He's not sure why he hasn't just hung up and gone back to sleep yet either. Huaisang isn't nearly altruistic enough to sit through this conversation much longer. He'd be struggling to listen or care with most people he didn't have a complicated history with and compassion fatigue is setting in fast.]

You've had a rough life. Most of us have and bear scars from it. These are simply the ones you have. Reflecting on them and how best to heal from them might be a better use of your time than fixating on your sudden realization that Xichen-ge and my brother are perceptive, observant men.

[At least, Huaisang manages to keep his tone civil, if slightly cool.]

There's a cold spring on the grounds. I suggest that you make use of it. It might help clear your mind. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning. It's late and obsessing about it all won't help you or them.

[Yet another tired, heavy sigh.]

Or do you need me to come get you? There's numerous unoccupied rooms in the servants' quarters. No one goes there and there's plenty of beds for you to rest in.

[taintedpeony]

[The very petty part of him wanted to say, yes pick him up. Like the many years of late-night journeys, he had to make to Qinghe from Lanling over the years. At least Huaisang wouldn't have to travel so far.

But the bigger part of him that didn't like being perceived like this absolutely did not want him to actually be there in person when he was feeling this vulnerable. Not the person who had orchestrated his murder and inadvertently caused the death of his loved ones.

Why did he call him to begin with? It was mostly because no one else would have even begun to understand.

If he had his hidden mirror room he would have hidden in there for a little bit. ]

T-that will be unneeded. I'll go to the spring and get some breakfast and some sleep, I think.

[He was not going to apologize for waking him up because fuck that.]

Thank you for answering but go back to sleep. We will have to talk to Master Shen sometime soon as well and I expect that will take some preparation.

Goodbye.

[illicitly]

[Huaisang remains calm and unapologetic. He's only just arrived back in this world a couple of days ago at most. The hour's late and he's barely managed to get his own bearings and feelings in order. And as far as he's concerned, he's been exceedingly generous to Jin Guangyao by not throwing him out the moment he first saw him in his home and allowing him to stay. He'd even sat down and heard him out not just once but twice. Would many others grant Jin Guangyao any kindness at all after murdering their only family and deceiving them about their involvement in it for years?

Huaisang doesn't think so. Even with an agreement not to fight and work together, even after their heart to heart, the mending between them as only barely begun. If mending their relationship is even possible at this point.

Still, for all his faults, he's not completely heartless. Just thoroughly lacking the mental or emotional resources to deal with this level of melodrama. Huaisang listened and gave what advice and comfort he's capable of under present circumstances. Once he's free, he'll direct someone better equipped to handle this than he is to A-Yao's location.]

Take care of yourself, A-Yao. We can talk more soon once we're both doing better.

[A small pause, another small sigh.]

Goodnight.

[Then the feed ends.]