IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

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	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

Comments

[air_head]

[There is the barest hint of tension when skin meets skin at first before it melts away into absolute touch starvation, Shi Qingxuan's neck warming instantly with something akin to a blush, his pulse racing when it should be too low from his sleep addled state. What reaches his ears makes very little sense to him, and not so little that he'd scramble and make himself presentable. In fact, Qingxuan has never felt as comfortable as he does at this very moment, propriety be damned.]

I better be. [He mumbles into the pillow, his body absolutely melting against the loudly patterned sheets.] I'm the one who's dreaming.

[The reality of their situation sinks in slowly just as wakefulness does. He shifts so Huaisang's hand rests firmly between his shoulder blades, savoring the touch before lifting himself up on either elbow, a sleepy smile stretching his dazed features.

Who knew this would be his reward for ignoring his loneliness long enough?]

So cruel of you, leaving without saying goodbye, just like that!

[illicitly]

I'm so sorry. I... I don't know what happened. What came over me. I just started walking into the sea and couldn't stop myself.

[The words come out pained and embarrassed. It'd been wrong to just abandon Shi Qingxuan without so much as a word like that. He was special to him. He'd deserved so much better than that. Huaisang wants to do better than that.]

I won't do it again. I'll stay with you this time. Even if I get scared.

[He's rambling a bit again, without really thinking about what he's saying, just speaking directly from his heart in a way he hasn't done in the past ten years. He pulls Shi Qingxuan into his arms as if it's the most natural action in the world for him to do, simply just holding him for a moment. His eyes are soft and warm with affection as they settle on that beautiful face, his smile a tad bit wobbly but completely genuine.]

I missed you so much. I thought about you while I was gone. I didn't know what to make of it. It all had to be a dream. None of it made sense but you and everything between us felt so real. I... I wanted it to be real.

[So Huaisang wasn't alone. So neither of them were alone.]

[air_head]

You better not! What if you had drowned at the time? What if a giant fish had eaten you?! Just so you know, I am absolutely incapable of swimming and wouldn't have been of much help.

[His green eyes widen with all the morbid possibilities a currently healthy, safe and sound Huaisang is refuting by his own presence, body warm and very much alive. He could taste the hypocrisy at the back of his own throat. Had he not walked into a furious blizzard many months ago, surrendering himself to the elements and the voices calling him? Had he been blamed for his momentary lapse in judgment, then?

He allows himself to be held. He allows himself to be soothed, to be wanted. Shi Qingxuan hasn't been entirely on his own for the past several months. Peak Lord Shen had checked on him frequently, and whenever he seemed more withdrawn, as well. The cafe patrons never failed to steal a smile off his lips and more. However, the first week in the wake of Huaisang's departure had been hard.

As were the last few weeks, when he has been reminded exactly of where he stood.

The vulnerable expression that replaces the wonder on his face is more becoming of his youthful appearance than his ancient age and esteemed status. The shoulder bared by the makeshift apparel is an inviting comfort, and it's where Qingxuan buries his face, his taller body diminished in height when they lie so close. He starts trembling in Huaisang's arms, loathe to pull away, the silent telltale of signs of weeping filling the small space between them.

He's been thrust back into loneliness so abruptly, and now that it's over, his excellent sense for assigning each one of his complicated feelings its own undisturbed space falls down like a house of golden foils.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang simply holds Shi Qingxuan close, stroking his hair. He would never fault him for moving on, for making other friends or seeking new connections to replace the one he'd lost. Hasn't he, too, felt that constant ache of loneliness most of his life? That yearning for someone he could truly be a companion to, if only for a brief time? For someone to love him and value him just for who he is? Someone he could feel comfortable in his own skin with?

His affections for this man have grown slowly but steadily over time, the more time they spent in each other's company. Shi Qingxuan had become such a regular part of his daily routine after Wei Wuxian had disappeared. Huaisang's hold tightens a little, his own tears falling silently. He hadn't meant to inflict the same hurt he'd experienced when he'd found himself abruptly left behind and nothing left to show for his patience. That he'd done it to the same person who'd quelled his own persistent ache of sorrow makes him feel sick with guilt.]

I want to make it up to you this time, Shi-xiong. Whatever I can do for you. I want to help.

[He's still fumbling and rambling a bit but he means what he's saying. He turns to kiss Shi Qingxuan on the top of his head.]

You're really are very important to me, you know.

[However, words alone mean little. He needs to follow through on his actions more and not do stupid things like walk into the ocean.]

[air_head]

[When was the last Shi Qingxuan has been held by someone, and not in the throes of passion?

The memory flashes in his mind as soon as he wonders, the bitterness heavy in his throat as it does. His tears are no less quiet for it even as he clutches the back of Huaisang's makeshift attire. What he lets out is his disappointment, his confusion, and a bruised heart.

Has he really forgotten what it's like to be taken care of?

Thirty days and some are too long and too many hours of nursing rejection, of getting over anything. Having the young sect leader back, corporeal and very much in his arms, is too good to be true.]

You smell different.

[He hiccups out at last. It's not as he's been quick to forget what Huaisang looked like in the many months of his absence, but the scent certainly is not him.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang continues to let Shi Qingxuan get it all out, giving him what comfort and support he's able to. His expression softens with a tenderness he seldom shows another person, the sort of warmth and care usually reserved for the pet birds that serve as his only confidants back home. Everything's still a little muddled for him, between weaving in and out of a dream and the heavy discussion with Jin Guangyao the night before. But holding each each other like this is anchoring and giving him far more clarity than he's experienced in years.

There's a gentle, peaceful smile on his lips as he relaxes againt the familiar warmth, eyes drifting closed. At Shi Qingxuan's comment, he chuckles softly.]

I had to borrow someone else's soap last night. I arrived so late and Jin Guangyao let me in. I wasn't sure what to expect if I just barged in last night. I was so exhausted after everything, I just slept in his room and came back to you as soon as I could. I didn't want to leave it past morning before I could see you again.

[By the end of his words, Huaisang finds himself getting all emotional, tearing up again. He brushes Shi Qingxuan's hair away from his forehead and kisses it lingeringly.]

I just missed you so much.

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan dips his head just enough to hide the tinge of pink spreading across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. This kiss hits differently, the press of warm lips on his heated face sending a jolt of sensation down his spine. Has he always been that starved for kindness.

He's aware for the first time since being roused awake of his own nudity, save for the sheets he's tangled in. Instinctively, he draws his knees to his chest, laying on his side still against Huaisang. Once the self consciousness wears off, he tilts his head back to meet Huaisang's eyes, too excited with realization to stay still.]

Ah, that man!

[There is the matter of returning Huaisang's sweet words in kind, but first things first.]

He's disappeared before, and then turned up once again, just like you! But he does not seem to remember much from his first stay... Was I etched that intricately into your memory, my young lord?

[He is absolutely teasing him, tugging him closer by the sheet around his waist.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang chuckles a bit, wrapping his arms a bit more snugly around Shi Qingquan and nuzzles the back of his head a moment. Contrary to what one might believe about him, most of his fantasies aren't sexual in nature so much as intimate. Quiet, restful moments where he can just relax and enjoy being with someone he cares for.]

Of course you were. Even when I thought you were just a dream, I remembered you.

[His voice comes out in a blissful murmur. Moments of simple peace and contentment are so rare. His thoughts on Jin Guangyao are complicated; the thin thread of rebuilding trust still fragile and so easily snapped, The less he ponders it, the better for now; he needs time to rest and recover before anything else can be done there.

Besides, the last person he wants to think about is Jin Guangyao when he has someone far more pleasant to reflect upon right in his arms.]

Every night I'd go to sleep, I kept hoping I would see you again. I never did but still, I kept hoping. It was the first thing I'd hoped for in a long time.

[He wants to kiss more than just Shi Qingxuan's hair but he's still figuring out what he wants to say and getting up the nerve to say it. It's hard being shy about these things.]

[air_head]

When you put it like that, you sound like a most devoted follower.

[Shi Qingxuan's tone is light, bereft of haughtiness. Shi Wudu has always worn his pride like a crown, but it was never Qingxuan's armor. Appearing in the flesh in the mortal realm to the devout was one of the many taboos the heavens had set upon them. However, a year on the island has lowered Qingxuan's guard. His pride and status are of vastly less use here.

The words should leave him shy, should leave him giddy unlike a young man or a woman being professed to most ardently. He's had his share of that as a mortal, and it has been a while since he's heard such sincerity since his ascension.]

It was different, you know, when you were gone. [he confesses, voice quieter than he hopes for or intends.] It made being around the fortress almost unbearable. But--

[the tension in his body is very brief before he relaxes into Huaisang's hold, once more.]

Things have changed around here in the past few months, ahaha... Even our dwellings... It's as if it's not the same place anymore.

[illicitly]

It seems like it's been a while since I was here last. The season's changed.

[Huaisang sounds a little wistful, maybe a little regretful. He's probably missed out on a lot in however long it's been since the sea had called him home. In all honesty, he doesn't expect things to be the same as they'd always been. There's still things they don't know about each other A lot had happened for Huaisang in the months they'd been apart, after all. Maybe it's the been the same here, too.]

It has a different air than it used to. I'm not sure why. I thought that maybe it was me. Only a few days ago, I was back in Qinghe, in the true home of my ancestors. The real place this one was copied from. Maybe it feels different because my memories haven't dulled yet.

[He pauses a moment, considering.]

Do you still like living here, Shi-xiong? Are you happy?

[air_head]

[It's a dull fear at the back of Shi Qingxuan's head. Whatever has become of his real home back in the heavenly realm? Is this really a dream, after all?

His morbid curiosity would never override his fear of certainty, and he doesn't dare ask outloud.

Stretching his silence by moving this way and that, limbs taut over his head as if to shake the last of sleep off, he buys precious time to contemplate the words he's never taken care to ponder before rattling out before.]

Why, it's always lovely here, Nie-xiong! Even better now you're back!

]The evenings of drinking alone. The closed door separating him from Ming Yi. The lonely, late breakfasts and the bustle all around him that never seems to include him. Qingxuan's smile dims despite himself.]

It's... Gotten rather small, for such an unknown island. And dull. That doesn't sound too happy, does it?

[illicitly]

It doesn't sound very happy, no.

[He's good at reading subtext and noticing details like the dimming of the smile that's somehow made its way into his heart. Seeing Shi Qingxuan even a little sad makes his heart ache. He continues holding him gently, still petting that beautiful hair. It does feel nice for his presence to actually mean something to someone. He'd long since resigned himself to the dreary reality that most of his value back home is tied to being the last of a clan and a sect leader than anything that has to do with him as a person. To have someone simply miss him lightens his spirits a little.]

There's been no interesting new adventures while I was away? No new developments or changes?

[air_head]

Ah, life positively blossomed around here! [there is a brightness in his tone wholly separate from his actual mood, eyes lighting up with something akin to mischief, like a child sitting on a delicious secret.]

And feasts! They're most scandalous, but anonymous. And the young cultivator in the eastern wing has taken to running an establishment--it took off right after you've left, alas. But Nie-xiong-- [most important of all, with warmth finally seeping back into Qingxuan's shallow smile.]

You weren't around to see any of that, so what's the use of having it?

[illicitly]

[A scandalous feast and one of the residents starting a new business both sound interesting, indeed, and far more pleasant than the life Huaisang had resumed back in his world. But at least, he can take comfort in that the task is finally finished and he can move on with his own life now. His own wants and needs have been put on hold for far too long.]

Tell me more about the feast. Did you go? And the young cultivator in the eastern wing? Would that be the daozhang pair?

[He sighs a bit.]

I'm sorry I could not be to keep you company, Shi-xiong.