IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

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	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

Comments

[air_head]

Sounds like a demon king, alright. [Shi Qingxuan mumbles in response, melting at the touch. He surrenders to it like a puppy that's tuckered out from running around for too long. He's never bothered with healing his body after an enthusiastic night of drinking. After all, what a waste of spiritual energy would that be. And he's still young!

It's all what he's been doing lately, especially in the absence of his one other source of company. He hasn't seen Xiao Xingchen around, for some reason. Should he start worrying?]

Mmm. What were you doing? [He lifts himself up just enough to prop an inquisitive head on Huaisang's shoulder, as if he could come across an entrancing reveal from the comfort of their bed.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang's quiet for a long moment, just basking in the physical closeness and feeling of feeling connected to someone. He's made it a point to be a truthful to Shi Qingxuan as he possibly can during the course of their friendship and not sully it with lies or deceit.

Truth be told, he'd been thinking about confiding in Shi Qingxuan about his problems and history with Jin Guangyao long before the man had ever shown up in the island. In the end, he'd wound up keeping quiet out of caution and a need to get his own bearings. And maybe out of a fear that Shi Qingxuan wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore if he saw the colder, uglier side of himself that he's grown to hate so much that causes him so much discomfort.

However, since his return, Jin Guangyao has done nothing but make one emotional demand after another when he's already at the limit of what he can take. He doesn't know how to navigate this situation at all when words are failing him and he's scared of what the future here will entail. But he can't keep bottling this up like this and never telling a single soul about what's truly on his mind like this. It's destroying him and halting any sort of forward progress in his own life.

When he speaks, his voice is very soft, barely above a whisper. His lips tremble and he licks them nervously before taking a long, deep breath to steady himself.]

I.. I was talking to someone. A former friend of mine. It was more of an argument really. A very nasty one. We... We used to be really close but we fell out with each other. We broke up and it was really terrible for both of us. But I guess we're still really close now, kind of like you and I are, but it's really complicated.

[Huaisang sighs, giving Shi Qingxuan's hair another stroke.]

We'd agreed to a truce to keep the peace between us, Shi-xiong. So no more bystanders would get dragged into the conflict. But relations between us are getting really bad again and I don't know what to do about it.

[Another weary sigh. Huaisang looks sad and downright haggard.]

The last time we fought, it lasted ten years and people died, Shi-xiong. Both of us are really tired and don't want to fight anymore but it seems like we might not be able to live in the same place together peacefully. I'm not sure how to fix this or if there's a way to do it at all.

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan has been alive for a long time.

There aren't many souls around in the heavenly room; a hundred or so at any given time as officials either fall or disappear as the seasons change at a pace incomprehensible to mortal memory. Qingxuan feels intensely, brilliantly, when most would treat their grievances as distant memories, fading with time.

Every friendship weighs as profoundly as the first turn of the season, on him.

He shifts to prop a chin over Huaisang's shoulder, taking in every word with a noncommittal noise or another. He's ready to dip into his considerable pool of history until the tail end of Huaisang's explanation catches him unaware.

Qingxuan is not a martial deity. And while he's not a stranger to taking the souls of those who've wronged others, their innocence never presented any space for contemplation. Every action of his in his long life has been just.

Ah, Huaisang... He hears the echoes of his own brother in the voice of the vulnerable man. Only, the older Shi would have stuck to every questionable decision with an iron clad resoluteness.]

Have you forgiven them, for now? While they're here, Nie-xiong?

[He asks tentatively, fairly ready to accept any answer he may get.]

cw: mention of dismemberment

[illicitly]

Not yet, Shi-xiong.

[The admission comes out soft and weary. Jin Guangyao's face had been the first one he'd seen upon returning to this world. He hadn't even had a chance to catch his breath or rest after the ceremony that was supposed to have been the end of all of this. Both his enemy and his brother were supposed to have been sealed away; the matter closed permanently. Huaisang was supposed to have the time and space he needed to sort through the many thoughts and feelings he'd boxed away for the past ten years in order to perform the task his new position as sect leader had demanded. As his status as Nie Mingjue's younger brother had demanded. ]

I had just put him to rest just before I woke up on the shore. My brother, too. I was completely exhausted when I saw him here. He was the first person I saw. I wasn't prepared to see him again. I was still out of sorts from everything. We talked and agreed that neither of us wanted to fight. We spoke of other things and it was almost like nothing had ever gone wrong between us. Like we were friends again.

[If they'd just left things as they were that night, maybe Huaisang could've forgiven him.]

He called me shortly after in the middle of the night to tell me that he'd slept with my brother here. Before we both arrived here, ten years ago he murdered my brother right in front ot me. He chopped up his body and hid it. Da Ge's soul was in pieces. It took me so long to find all of him again and put him to rest.

[His expression's far away, his eyes wet with tears as the painful memories of that experence come flooding back all at once. This wasn't how how he'd wanted to tell Shi Qingxuan. He'd hoped he'd be more stable, be able to explain himself clearly and calmly, but he already feels his resolve starting to crumble. Still, he forces himself to keep speaking.]

I won't attack him. I won't kill him. It's the best I'm able to do right now. I'm letting him redeem himself but I don't think he wants to change at all. He just wants to do what he wants without repercussions for it.

[He's losing focus, tears starting to slide down his cheeks. A tremor starts going through his body.]

Re: cw: mention of dismemberment

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan disentangles himself just enough so that he's no longer overwhelming Huaisang with his longer body, shifting him to rest in his arms instead. He presses his slender fingers along the high point of Huaisang's cheeks, catching his tears before they make a streak in down his paling face.]

You've taken your justice. [His own heart hurts at the thought of someone doing the same to his own older brother, the light of his life.

Heavenly Officials, after all, would never reincarnate.

His free hand splays against Huaisang's back, moving in soothing circles so as to ease the tremors vibrating within his body, and perhaps put ease to the tension in Qingxuan's body at the thought. A part of him remains chilled to the core at the image.]

You've taken your justice, Nie-xion. But forgiveness is not part of justice. Even so, everyone else he's harmed would have to forgive him first.

this wound up way longer than intended orz

[illicitly]

[Huaisang clings to Shi Qingxuan, almost childlike. He tries to focus on his words, on the warmth of his body - solid, read, and anchoring. He reminds himself that he's not alone this time, left to carry the crushing weight of a burden that fractured him bit by bit over the years.]

I know it's not. I'm trying but he's making it difficult. He keeps pushing and angering me, Shi-xiong. And I'm scared of what he'll do to Da Ge again if this goes badly. I've seen nothing that suggests it'll go any differently. What kind of brother would I be if I just let him have his way? Da Ge doesn't know him the way I do.

[He didn't want to go down this road again or be involved in this at all. He'd just wanted to take it easy for a while, give himself an extended break to rest and recover. To put everything to rest. To just spend time with Shi Qingxuan and make friends. It's hard for him not to resent the position he's been placed in without warning and so soon after returning.]

I'd be derelict in my duty if I didn't say something to my brother. Maybe not everything but I need to say something to him so he isn't caught completely off-guard. I don't want him to die again. He's so much younger than me now, too. And A-Yao's too good at faking feelings.

[Huaisang mumbles miserably. His view of Jin Guangyao in the present is pretty set though he is trying to be as far and reasonable as he can be.]

When my brother was dying, he held me back, Shi-xiong. He pretended he was innocent, that he was just as shocked as everyone was. As I was. He held me in his arms, much like you are now, knowing he was the culprit. He feigned grief and ignorance, went through the motions of helping me adjust to being sect leader, Shi-xiong.

[Huaisang sighs heavily, the tears starting up again.]

He did this for ten years. All the while knowing he'd murdered my brother. That he was the reason for my grief. For my pain. He claims now that he'd done it to protect me but I watched him take his own nephew hostage, Shi-xiong, the nephew he'd helped raise. How am I to believe him now? How am I forgive him after everything? When he's still making it clear to me that he still puts himself first? How can I trust him with my brother now? I don't know how to do that, Shi-xiong. I don't know if I can.

[air_head]

[It only takes that tone of desperation for all semblance of unbiased rationality to fly out of Shi Qingxuan's pretty head. His own fingers tremble in the now taut fabric of Huaisang's robes, stretched across his back with the force of the wind master's pulling.

Virtuous and kind as he is, he doesn't have enough depth of generosity to extend the benefit of the doubt to the whole situation--not with the way Huaisang's voice breaks and the breath in his chest rattles at the mention of his older brother. The tears come faster than he can wipe them for Huaisang, this time with the hem of his sleeve, soaking the frustration up.

Huaisang has taken his justice, but justice hasn't taken its course. What use is it when the man lives and breathes here rather than face his own karma and reincarnate to make right his wrongs?

And yet, Qingxuan has never been one to wrap his head around revenge. But this is different. This is setting things right.]

Your brother deserves to know the truth. Is that what you need me to tell you? [As if Qingxuan would have to be coaxed to agree.]

[illicitly]

I need to know I'm not insane. He acts as if I'm the unreasonable one for not accepting him back with open arms. For being angry that he's involved with Da Ge under false pretenses. For holding him accountable for everything he did before.

[Huaisang pauses, taking shaky breaths to try and steady himself. It's all been so much to deal with and it feels like he's barely begun to speak at all.]

He has so many dark secrets, Shi-xiong. Most people didn't know just how depraved he was. And he was the elected leader of the cultivation world back home. I still have nightmares.

[Nightmares that Shi Qingxuan has probably been privy to on occasion, given how often they've occurred and how frequently they've shared a bed. There's been times that Huaisang has woken up in a cold sweat to pour himself another glass of wine or cried for his brother in his sleep.]

I... I made errors in judgement trying to expose him. Some of them ended with people dying. I risked the lives of many uninvolved people and I'm not proud of some of the decisions I made. I was... cold. I stopped seeing people as people for a time. Before I came here, I've spent most of the past ten years alone with the truth of who and what he is.

[The tears are starting to slow a little as he just rests against Shi Qingxuan, letting himself be comforted and held for a change. Ever since that day, someone simply consoling him and showing care has taken on a darker meaning for him. But he's trying to get over that.]

Before all of this began, I really loved him a lot. We were so close, I thought. There was a time when I thought of him as my best friend.

[air_head]

[Huaisang wanted his friend back.

The chill from before eases into something milder, sadder, Shi Qingxuan's finger pads pressing down to move in soothing circles instead of gripping at his robes. He lets the last of the tears subside, the shaking to cease, for Huaisang to thrust out the last of his words.]

The person you remember him from that many years of ago is no longer there. [he starts gently, giving him a squeeze as he does.] If I'm understanding what you're telling, that person never existed. Perhaps any of that goodness had gone by then.

[He is loathe to deny redemption, but has he even taken the proper course of redemption?]

He's changed you into the worst sort of man, and you don't want to turn into that once again, not even here.

[illicitly]

[He lets himself be soothed, to lean into that touch, be comforted by that squeeze. There's wisdom in those words and Shi Qingxuan has years of experience he'll never have.]

I don't want to be that man anymore, Shi-xiong. He destroyed my life. Back home, I'm all alone. I have my disciples but they don't need me. I don't have any friends, not anymore. I've spent the past ten years pretending to be someone I haven't been in a long time.

[While the admission is quiet and sad, there's less raw anguish in his voice now. Just tired resignation and acceptance.]

The mistakes I made can't be undone but I want to atone for them. I want to set the wrongs I did right as much they can be. But those I hurt are beyond my reach now.

[Even if Huaisang had felt that Lan Xichen deserved an apology, the one here isn't the same man. Any act of contrition he gave would be empty and lacking true sincerity, a pale imitation of what it should be.]

I don't know what to do about Jin Guangyao anymore but I'm speaking with my brother tomorrow. I can't keep silent about him anymore. What Da Ge chooses to do from that point onward is his decision. After that I'm leaving the Unclean Realm, Shi-xiong. I've asked the Augur for a new residence separate from here.

[It's not the way Huaisang wanted to break the news to Shi Qingxuan but he had to tell him sooner or later.]

[air_head]

You're not alone!

[He blurts out before wrapping his words in a soothing context, spots of color rising to his sleep addled skin. Shi Qingxuan's seeped in loneliness for as long as he's been alive, and long before his ascension, a natural part of him that his utterance sounds superfluous and indulgent to his own ears.

His fingers flex before they smooth down the sides of Huaisang's sleeves.]

How could you say that when I'm here? How would you even hesitate to do what's right when it comes to this man when I'm around? If you think I'm leaving you to your devices, then you're wrong, my friend.

[He couldn't very well or at all explains this mess of a matter to the older Nie, but he Qingxuan will be present if needed. His ardent determination and resolve wane into something else at the other man's quiet confession.]

You're... You're leaving?

[Is he taking the larger, more intimidating Nie sect leader to start anew, away from all of this? Qingxuan's mind races into conclusions with no end in sight, his tongue mercifully tied by surprise.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang knows that anxiety as well as he knows his own so without hesitation, he leans over and gives Shi Qingxuan's lips a gentle, chaste kiss. He lingers there for several long moments before pulling back to continue speaking softly.]

I intend to. My brother was leader before me and he is new to this world. The Unclean Realm was his home, too, and familiarity might help him better adjust to living here. On the other hand, living here hurts me now. My brother's murder... It happened here. This is where it all happened in our world.

[He blinks back a sudden fresh wave of tears.]

I could handle it before they came. I'd handled it for ten years. But all of us being here again... All of us in these walls, trying to keep the peace... Trying to give the killer a second chance to redeem himself... Knowing that he's in bed with my brother again acting like none of it ever happened and we can all just move on so easily.

[The old familiar anger and bitterness starts creeping back in, the hatred that robbed him of reason and conscience until all that mattered to him was Jin Guangyao's total destruction, no matter the price he had to pay. But Huaisang still has enough self-control to catch himself before his thoughts slip down that dark and twisted passage again. He takes a deep breath, the fatigue showing on his face again.]

....I can't do it, Shi-xiong. I won't do it. Not again. What has he done to deserve the amount of mercy and compassion he demands from me after ruining so many lives? My life? My brother's life? The lives of the women he murdered or locked up to conceal his crime? Why should he get his happiness when I'm always forced to sacrifice mine? It's not fair. It's not right.

[And he's starting to get worked up again. More steadying breaths.]

.I don't know if the Augur will grant my wish. Or if it'll be like this. But I... I was hoping you'd come with me, Shi-xiong. I don't do well living alone. And I don't want to be where you aren't. This... This place isn't home to me anymore. You are.

[air_head]

[This is soft. Shi Qingxuan isn't used to tenderness.

And it's over before he can blink in response, the sweep of hair and fabric pulling away just as he tilts his chin up for more. His lips still tingle from the contact, little pricks of pleasure yet to dissipate.

His hands are on Huaisang's face before he knows it, fingertips doing away with the budding tears, plump with roundness before they can roll off each cheekbones. It's sticky work, grounding him even as the blood is thudding in his ears at Huaisang's revelation. None of this is right. None of this has gone the way it should have been in the end. He could taste Huaisang's own helplessness on his tongue, and it's bitter.

Suddenly, he is aware once more of his immense luck. If anything, Qingxuan has never been physically alone. The desire for companionship eats away at him like rapid fire feasting on dry wood.]

May I, Nie-xiong? [His desires are not wholly selfless, damp hands alighting on Huaisang's shoulders.] I won't be a burden, I promise you! I can't cook, but we could purchase our food. And I'm not so dreadful with a broom, either! You will never find a better drinking companion than me.

[He winks, red rimmed eyes sparking with mirth after all.]

You would do well to have the lord of Fortune in your household, after all.

[illicitly]

[Huaisang sniffles, managing a watery but sincere smile.]

Yes, you may. Thank you so much, Shi-xiong. I... I really don't deserve you but thank you for coming with me.

[He kisses him again, this one a little bit more firm, as sudden flare up of excitement goes through him. He truly is luck to know Shi Qingxuan, to have such a wonderful and supportive friend. He's been so patient and kind with him, the desire to give him everything he can to keep that beautiful smile from never dimming remains intact. After a moment, he breaks it, an almost dreamy little smile playing across his lips.]

The place we'll be going to is your home, too. You can leave your mark on it. And me, too, if you want.

[That last part just sort of slipped out subconsiously. It is late and he is very tired after all.

[air_head]

[This time, Shi Qingxuan allows himself to melt into the kiss, his body relaxing and surrendering in a way it hasn't be allowed to in a while. He tilts his head so his lips are more pliant, shoulders more relaxed, blood thudding in his ears with something close to want.

His face is flushed pink and eyes are glittering when he pulls away.]

I would be honored to, my dear young master.

[Not so young anymore, from the tired look in his eyes. And yet it does not stop Qingxuan from reaching swiftly for a hand, pecking the slim knuckles on the back before pressing it firmly against his chest. It really is his second chance at happiness.]