IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

	Sexscape Navigator
	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

Comments

[taintedpeony]

I know. I know...I do.

I just...It's so much. It really is all too much. I thought I could keep this all at bay, focus on my goals like I always have. Focus on our shared goals. Focus on rebuilding and moving forward and not hurting anyone again.

Fine. I fucked a few times, with a few friends and got into weird situations...but it wasn't like this.

When we were together, they even noticed that I had gone far away, gotten stuck in my head. They noticed and actively worked on making me feel safe. They never noticed these things before.

[He was trembling all over in a way that the camera was shaking, he only curled in deeper into himself before speaking.]

And I think it's the realization that I have never felt safe before. With them, or with anyone.

[His eyes were watery again.] Why am I like this?

I think the ribb-the ribbon was...I don't know. I could keep things friendly or try to keep it at bay but I don't think I really can, not without avoiding them completely. I feel unmoored by them in a way that I just keep kissing them or wanting to.

Why do I beg for any scrap of love thrown my way?

[He was fundamentally broken. Broken in a way that he will let that corruption destroy everything he touches, as he greedily and desperately begs for love.

The thoughts only brought a fresh set of choked sobbing, which he was really trying to stop with a hand over his mouth.]

[illicitly]

[Are any of them not broken in some way? Cracking slowly by degrees over a span of years, all of them suffering in their own ways. The war that tore the cultivation world asunder had damaged them all in some way; not even those sheltered away from the front lines survived it completely unscathed.

In his younger years, the comment about safety would've stung. But instead, Huaisang simply averts his eyes away from the screen, expression blank and impassive once more. Honestly, he's not sure what A-Yao is hoping to accomplish here. Huaisang's not going to give him the answers or advice he seems to want to hear. He's not sure why he hasn't just hung up and gone back to sleep yet either. Huaisang isn't nearly altruistic enough to sit through this conversation much longer. He'd be struggling to listen or care with most people he didn't have a complicated history with and compassion fatigue is setting in fast.]

You've had a rough life. Most of us have and bear scars from it. These are simply the ones you have. Reflecting on them and how best to heal from them might be a better use of your time than fixating on your sudden realization that Xichen-ge and my brother are perceptive, observant men.

[At least, Huaisang manages to keep his tone civil, if slightly cool.]

There's a cold spring on the grounds. I suggest that you make use of it. It might help clear your mind. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning. It's late and obsessing about it all won't help you or them.

[Yet another tired, heavy sigh.]

Or do you need me to come get you? There's numerous unoccupied rooms in the servants' quarters. No one goes there and there's plenty of beds for you to rest in.

[taintedpeony]

[The very petty part of him wanted to say, yes pick him up. Like the many years of late-night journeys, he had to make to Qinghe from Lanling over the years. At least Huaisang wouldn't have to travel so far.

But the bigger part of him that didn't like being perceived like this absolutely did not want him to actually be there in person when he was feeling this vulnerable. Not the person who had orchestrated his murder and inadvertently caused the death of his loved ones.

Why did he call him to begin with? It was mostly because no one else would have even begun to understand.

If he had his hidden mirror room he would have hidden in there for a little bit. ]

T-that will be unneeded. I'll go to the spring and get some breakfast and some sleep, I think.

[He was not going to apologize for waking him up because fuck that.]

Thank you for answering but go back to sleep. We will have to talk to Master Shen sometime soon as well and I expect that will take some preparation.

Goodbye.

[illicitly]

[Huaisang remains calm and unapologetic. He's only just arrived back in this world a couple of days ago at most. The hour's late and he's barely managed to get his own bearings and feelings in order. And as far as he's concerned, he's been exceedingly generous to Jin Guangyao by not throwing him out the moment he first saw him in his home and allowing him to stay. He'd even sat down and heard him out not just once but twice. Would many others grant Jin Guangyao any kindness at all after murdering their only family and deceiving them about their involvement in it for years?

Huaisang doesn't think so. Even with an agreement not to fight and work together, even after their heart to heart, the mending between them as only barely begun. If mending their relationship is even possible at this point.

Still, for all his faults, he's not completely heartless. Just thoroughly lacking the mental or emotional resources to deal with this level of melodrama. Huaisang listened and gave what advice and comfort he's capable of under present circumstances. Once he's free, he'll direct someone better equipped to handle this than he is to A-Yao's location.]

Take care of yourself, A-Yao. We can talk more soon once we're both doing better.

[A small pause, another small sigh.]

Goodnight.

[Then the feed ends.]