IC Inbox for Erku

[illicitly]

	Sexscape Navigator
	» Age: 30s » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Companionship, mainly. Friends, allies, and lovers, also welcome. » Preferences: Likeminded men and women. Not too old, not too young. » Interests: Fashion, art, calligraphy, antiques, poetry, politics, astronomy, bird collection, strategy games, and erotic literature. » Bio: Single sect leader seeking potential wife and cultivation partner, sexual companionship, and business associates. Additional benefits available.
	base code by photosynthesis
	Nie Huaisang

Comments

[taintedpeony]

That's between you and him.

[There was a long moment where it looked as if he was typing. And then nothing.

Typing.


Nothing.]

You don't think that the fact that you said you loved me should be addressed? What am I even supposed to fucking do with that Nie Huaisang?

You know I am doing this new thing where I am trying to keep my emotions on my face and be more honest? How the fuck am I supposed to deal with that when it comes to your brother?

We need to talk about establishing boundaries so I don't let slip out the wrong information to him and then have you be pissy at me about it. We need to talk about what we do if something like that happens we'll have an established game plan in place.

This place is ridiculous and it'll keep being ridiculous and if we both just fucking hide from it it'll bite us in the ass later. And to be quite fucking truthful, if I'm being bitten on the ass I want it to be because I want it to happen.

If there is anything I've learned in the last two months of being here, is that sex is best when there are negotiations beforehand. I've set up boundaries in all my relationships. If we are going to have some semblance of control in ours we need to talk. While our own relationship is complicated, despite my better fucking judgment I actually do give a shit about what happens to you and your general wellbeing.

Old habits die hard I suppose.

[air_head]

You better not! What if you had drowned at the time? What if a giant fish had eaten you?! Just so you know, I am absolutely incapable of swimming and wouldn't have been of much help.

[His green eyes widen with all the morbid possibilities a currently healthy, safe and sound Huaisang is refuting by his own presence, body warm and very much alive. He could taste the hypocrisy at the back of his own throat. Had he not walked into a furious blizzard many months ago, surrendering himself to the elements and the voices calling him? Had he been blamed for his momentary lapse in judgment, then?

He allows himself to be held. He allows himself to be soothed, to be wanted. Shi Qingxuan hasn't been entirely on his own for the past several months. Peak Lord Shen had checked on him frequently, and whenever he seemed more withdrawn, as well. The cafe patrons never failed to steal a smile off his lips and more. However, the first week in the wake of Huaisang's departure had been hard.

As were the last few weeks, when he has been reminded exactly of where he stood.

The vulnerable expression that replaces the wonder on his face is more becoming of his youthful appearance than his ancient age and esteemed status. The shoulder bared by the makeshift apparel is an inviting comfort, and it's where Qingxuan buries his face, his taller body diminished in height when they lie so close. He starts trembling in Huaisang's arms, loathe to pull away, the silent telltale of signs of weeping filling the small space between them.

He's been thrust back into loneliness so abruptly, and now that it's over, his excellent sense for assigning each one of his complicated feelings its own undisturbed space falls down like a house of golden foils.]

[illicitly]

You are an adult, Jin Guangyao. How you manage your feelings and your relationships with other people is not my responsibility. It is time that you understood that every choice you make in life has consequences, both foreseen and unforeseen, and learned to cope with them on your own.

Have you already forgotten that you murdered my brother in cold blood right in front of me? That you had his body desecrated to cover up your crime? The same person making love to you here. Da Ge has no idea what the man he is sleeping with is capable of doing to him. No one here is because I have taken on the burden of keeping secrets for you here as well.

The fact that I am not telling Da Ge what you are or what you did to him before and after his death is a tremendous act of mercy toward you as it is. I show you compassion every moment that passes by that I do not speak to him about the full scope of who you really are.

You know how much he means to me. How much losing him destroyed me. You of all people understand how painful it is to be where I am. I put myself in this position for your sake, not mine. To honor the friendship we once had. To accept responsibility for the lives I've harmed or ended because of my own choices.

Yet you continue to push and test the limits of what mercy I am capable of giving you.

Don't you dare pretend to me that any of this has a thing to do with concern for my feelings.

So long as my brother remains safe, I will not interfere with your relationship with him and I'll go on lying so you can keep indulging in this little fantasy you have that things will work out between all three of you this time around.

As for what I said in the dream, you and I both thought we were other people at the time. What does it even matter. It's not like anything would ever come of it, anyway. It would be better for both of us to let it go. Dwelling on it further will only bring on more pain to both of us in the end.

[He hates typing on this stupid thing so that's one more thing he's doing for your benefit and not his own, Jin Guangyao.]

[taintedpeony]

Tell him. I won't wish to burden you with keeping my secrets after all.

I was planning to tell him myself. I've told him bits of it already.

But you won't.

I know you won't.


Do you know how I know?

Because you, Nie Huaisang are a fucking coward.

Do you really want to talk about the consequences of my actions to me Nie Huaisang? I have lived with the consequences every single fucking day of my life. I've lived my life having to make hard decisions as a child as a spy as a sect leader and as a leader of the cultivation world at large. This is a familiar demon for me.

But for you.

Oh, but for you, this guilt is a new one.

You are a coward, I killed Da-ge. I killed him for my safety and yours. I killed him because he was going to kill me sooner or later. Even though I loved him I knew he would. It was a matter of time. I killed and dismembered him with my own hands.

But you, wouldn't know what that is like. Your decisions were to convince people to kill themselves. What did Mo Xuanyu do to you to deserve having his soul destroyed? What did Qin Su do to you asides from having the misfortune of loving me? She was kind and sweet but you made her kill herself.


Their blood is on your hands. My blood is on your hands. You didn't even have the bravery of killing me yourself, you had to trick Er-ge to do it for you.

You won't tell your brother because you know that not only did you have to be me to get revenge. You had to be worse.

[illicitly]

Spare me the sob story.

I'm going to enlighten you about something I've observed about people who live in the real world, Jin Guangyao.

No one cares.

All they look at is what you do and what other people in your position have done in comparison and judge according to what they personally value.

Plenty of others have suffered similar misfortunes to yourself, Jin Guangyao. Many chose to walk a more righteous path than you did. Some even chose a righteous path because of the suffering they experienced.


[The jabs about Mo Xuanyu and Qin Su hurt but he accepts it. After all, Huaisang's well aware of the blood on his hands. The debt he owes to them but his decisions were not one of a criminal seeking to selfishly cover his tracks for his own benefit. But whatever steps to atone that Huaisang wants or needs to make have been derailed by this selfish bastard's need to make everything about his own suffering without respect or consideration for the lives of other people.]

Don't drag me down to your level. The errors of judgement and mistakes that I have made are not the same as the selfish choices you make. All you are doing is lying to yourself to avoid facing the reality of what you have done. You are lying to yourself now to evade responsibility for your actions and now you are dragging my brother into your willful depravity once more.

If you had any real sense of honor or decency in you, you would not have made advances on either of them. You would break it off and walk away from them both instead of inflict yourself on them. But you didn't and you won't because in the end, the only person who truly care about is yourself.

[He won't allow himself to be provoked into retaliating any further than this or getting sucked any further into the cesspool that is Jin Guangyao. He'd buried them both. His brother, twice now. He can't let himself fall back into those old obsessions that utterly destroyed everything that had been important to him.]

[taintedpeony]

All well and good.

I already know this about myself. What are you doing to better yourself? Do you like yourself Nie Huaisang? Was it justice?

You're still running. Like you always did.

If by any miracle of the gods you wish to actually come and take my life with your own hands for once as a proper Nie.

Let me know and I'll be happy to fight you.

I'll even leave Hensheng at home so it's remotely fair.

But when the Augur inevitably shoves us in that kind of situation again and you apparently just come from not even being touched by me.

Please don't fucking come to me.

I am done with it.

[illicitly]

[He has made his decision.]

Giving you a chance to redeem yourself at all.

Offering shelter and giving any support at all to the man who murdered my brother and locked me into this cage of duty and unhappiness for the rest of my life.

You ruined me and took away everything and everyone I ever loved. Yet I have shown you far more mercy and compassion than is owed to you.

I should be returning you to your grave yet I am not. However, this is still not enough to satisfy you.

Still, I will not fight you. I gave my word that I would give you enough freedom to better yourself and unlike you, I will honor mine.

If you are eager to face a Nie in combat, perhaps my brother will oblige you if you can overcome your own cowardice.

[taintedpeony]

Fuck you. Little Bird.

[He's tired and more outwardly angry than he had been since the night he had died. He hung up. He was going to take Hensheng to the training grounds and work it off.

He hated this. He had faced his corpse and chose his death. His death may not have been honorable but it was his.

He tried so hard to be civil. To welcome him back, to work for his keep. To keep the place running. But his labor never meant anything.

He made two decisions then.

1 He was going to tell Nie Mingue and Lan Xichen everything. If he wanted to kill him after this so fucking be it.
2 He was going to ward his home in Koi Tower and stay as far away from Nie Huaisang as possible. He was sick of him.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang debates responding but thinks better of it. The cycle between them has to stop somewhere and if Jin Guangyao can't accept reality, then the task falls to him. He's well aware that the man will probably run and tell his brother and Lan Xichen about what had transpired between them in the dream.

But it's a consequence that he's prepared to live with.

In the meantime, he stares at the text before replying out loud to himself, just for the much needed carthasis.]

Fuck yourself, Demon King.

[illicitly]

[Huaisang simply holds Shi Qingxuan close, stroking his hair. He would never fault him for moving on, for making other friends or seeking new connections to replace the one he'd lost. Hasn't he, too, felt that constant ache of loneliness most of his life? That yearning for someone he could truly be a companion to, if only for a brief time? For someone to love him and value him just for who he is? Someone he could feel comfortable in his own skin with?

His affections for this man have grown slowly but steadily over time, the more time they spent in each other's company. Shi Qingxuan had become such a regular part of his daily routine after Wei Wuxian had disappeared. Huaisang's hold tightens a little, his own tears falling silently. He hadn't meant to inflict the same hurt he'd experienced when he'd found himself abruptly left behind and nothing left to show for his patience. That he'd done it to the same person who'd quelled his own persistent ache of sorrow makes him feel sick with guilt.]

I want to make it up to you this time, Shi-xiong. Whatever I can do for you. I want to help.

[He's still fumbling and rambling a bit but he means what he's saying. He turns to kiss Shi Qingxuan on the top of his head.]

You're really are very important to me, you know.

[However, words alone mean little. He needs to follow through on his actions more and not do stupid things like walk into the ocean.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang nods his agreement, equally professional and composed. Under his present circumstances, there's little need to continue his charade of incompetence.]

What alterations have you and Master Shen made to the keep since I have been gone then? I've yet to do a thorough sweep of the grounds to inspect things. If you like, you can accompany me and show me these additions as we move along.

[tangyuan]

[ Ming Yi nods and turns to start walking to the fortified chamber he and Shen Qingqiu had selected. ]

They would be difficult to detect on your own. The fortifications are spiritual in nature.

[ Although Nie Huaisang is a sect leader, meeting him now, the Earth Master can tell at a glance that he's not exactly abounding in spiritual power even by a mortal cultivator standards. Though, maybe he can still sense the spiritual arrays guarding the small, previously unused room Ming Yi leads him to, strengthening the walls and reinforcing the door from the inside. If not sensing, there's still a vividly red talisman pressed to the surface of the door.

Ming Yi pushes the door open with a single hand, and reveals...a room that is still empty. ]

I was told this keep was intended as a fortress. This room was chosen as its entry point for the distance shortening array.

[ He continues inside, as if to show more of the empty room. With the door open, the barrier around the room is likewise opened, but the solid presence surrounding the interior of the room is now more obvious. ]

It's maintained off the central network, but Master Shen placed additional defenses to account for an unexpected breach.

[ Ming Yi also added defenses, but he doesn't mention that. Nor does he explain the rationale here. ]

[air_head]

That's bad luck, you know.

[Shi Qingxuan has stirred awake a short while ago, willing himself back to sleep so as to catch the tail end of a quickly evaporating dream. Being gently and inadvertently jostled and moved about by an engrossed Nie Huaisang hasn't helped lull him back--which is his fault, really. He's the one with both arms firmly about the younger man's waist, head buried into his arm.

Qingxuan has been sleeping clamped to him every other night since his definite return.]

Don't invoke demons. What if a Calamity shows up here, of all things? The islands could definitely will it.

[illicitly]

[Huaisang hasn't minded the night's Shi Qingxuan's latched onto him in his sleep any more than he's minded his company during mealtimes or during his frequent drinking binges. He's always been a tactile person and the solid grip's been stabilizing as he's tried to get a grip on his own life again, in addition to the much needed comfort and balm he's needed for his loneliness. The man's delightful company and always has been a happy part of his life here, one he's found himself increasingly unwilling to let go of.

At his words, he can't help but smile a bit, kissing the top of Shi Qingxuan's head lightly and giving his hair a quick stroke.]

I'll remember that. I wasn't talking to an actual Demon King. Just a jerk who can't leave things well enough alone.

[His tone's significantly more clipped and cutting than it usually is. However, despite that, there's a pained vulnerability and sadness in his expression. Still, he kisses Shi Qingxuan again, resting his cheek against that fluffy hair.

He wants to believe that he deserves this, despite Jin Guangyao's words echoing in his mind.]

...I'm sorry, Shi-xiong. I didn't mean to wake you up.

[air_head]

Sounds like a demon king, alright. [Shi Qingxuan mumbles in response, melting at the touch. He surrenders to it like a puppy that's tuckered out from running around for too long. He's never bothered with healing his body after an enthusiastic night of drinking. After all, what a waste of spiritual energy would that be. And he's still young!

It's all what he's been doing lately, especially in the absence of his one other source of company. He hasn't seen Xiao Xingchen around, for some reason. Should he start worrying?]

Mmm. What were you doing? [He lifts himself up just enough to prop an inquisitive head on Huaisang's shoulder, as if he could come across an entrancing reveal from the comfort of their bed.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang's quiet for a long moment, just basking in the physical closeness and feeling of feeling connected to someone. He's made it a point to be a truthful to Shi Qingxuan as he possibly can during the course of their friendship and not sully it with lies or deceit.

Truth be told, he'd been thinking about confiding in Shi Qingxuan about his problems and history with Jin Guangyao long before the man had ever shown up in the island. In the end, he'd wound up keeping quiet out of caution and a need to get his own bearings. And maybe out of a fear that Shi Qingxuan wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore if he saw the colder, uglier side of himself that he's grown to hate so much that causes him so much discomfort.

However, since his return, Jin Guangyao has done nothing but make one emotional demand after another when he's already at the limit of what he can take. He doesn't know how to navigate this situation at all when words are failing him and he's scared of what the future here will entail. But he can't keep bottling this up like this and never telling a single soul about what's truly on his mind like this. It's destroying him and halting any sort of forward progress in his own life.

When he speaks, his voice is very soft, barely above a whisper. His lips tremble and he licks them nervously before taking a long, deep breath to steady himself.]

I.. I was talking to someone. A former friend of mine. It was more of an argument really. A very nasty one. We... We used to be really close but we fell out with each other. We broke up and it was really terrible for both of us. But I guess we're still really close now, kind of like you and I are, but it's really complicated.

[Huaisang sighs, giving Shi Qingxuan's hair another stroke.]

We'd agreed to a truce to keep the peace between us, Shi-xiong. So no more bystanders would get dragged into the conflict. But relations between us are getting really bad again and I don't know what to do about it.

[Another weary sigh. Huaisang looks sad and downright haggard.]

The last time we fought, it lasted ten years and people died, Shi-xiong. Both of us are really tired and don't want to fight anymore but it seems like we might not be able to live in the same place together peacefully. I'm not sure how to fix this or if there's a way to do it at all.

[air_head]

[When was the last Shi Qingxuan has been held by someone, and not in the throes of passion?

The memory flashes in his mind as soon as he wonders, the bitterness heavy in his throat as it does. His tears are no less quiet for it even as he clutches the back of Huaisang's makeshift attire. What he lets out is his disappointment, his confusion, and a bruised heart.

Has he really forgotten what it's like to be taken care of?

Thirty days and some are too long and too many hours of nursing rejection, of getting over anything. Having the young sect leader back, corporeal and very much in his arms, is too good to be true.]

You smell different.

[He hiccups out at last. It's not as he's been quick to forget what Huaisang looked like in the many months of his absence, but the scent certainly is not him.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang continues to let Shi Qingxuan get it all out, giving him what comfort and support he's able to. His expression softens with a tenderness he seldom shows another person, the sort of warmth and care usually reserved for the pet birds that serve as his only confidants back home. Everything's still a little muddled for him, between weaving in and out of a dream and the heavy discussion with Jin Guangyao the night before. But holding each each other like this is anchoring and giving him far more clarity than he's experienced in years.

There's a gentle, peaceful smile on his lips as he relaxes againt the familiar warmth, eyes drifting closed. At Shi Qingxuan's comment, he chuckles softly.]

I had to borrow someone else's soap last night. I arrived so late and Jin Guangyao let me in. I wasn't sure what to expect if I just barged in last night. I was so exhausted after everything, I just slept in his room and came back to you as soon as I could. I didn't want to leave it past morning before I could see you again.

[By the end of his words, Huaisang finds himself getting all emotional, tearing up again. He brushes Shi Qingxuan's hair away from his forehead and kisses it lingeringly.]

I just missed you so much.

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan dips his head just enough to hide the tinge of pink spreading across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. This kiss hits differently, the press of warm lips on his heated face sending a jolt of sensation down his spine. Has he always been that starved for kindness.

He's aware for the first time since being roused awake of his own nudity, save for the sheets he's tangled in. Instinctively, he draws his knees to his chest, laying on his side still against Huaisang. Once the self consciousness wears off, he tilts his head back to meet Huaisang's eyes, too excited with realization to stay still.]

Ah, that man!

[There is the matter of returning Huaisang's sweet words in kind, but first things first.]

He's disappeared before, and then turned up once again, just like you! But he does not seem to remember much from his first stay... Was I etched that intricately into your memory, my young lord?

[He is absolutely teasing him, tugging him closer by the sheet around his waist.]

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan has been alive for a long time.

There aren't many souls around in the heavenly room; a hundred or so at any given time as officials either fall or disappear as the seasons change at a pace incomprehensible to mortal memory. Qingxuan feels intensely, brilliantly, when most would treat their grievances as distant memories, fading with time.

Every friendship weighs as profoundly as the first turn of the season, on him.

He shifts to prop a chin over Huaisang's shoulder, taking in every word with a noncommittal noise or another. He's ready to dip into his considerable pool of history until the tail end of Huaisang's explanation catches him unaware.

Qingxuan is not a martial deity. And while he's not a stranger to taking the souls of those who've wronged others, their innocence never presented any space for contemplation. Every action of his in his long life has been just.

Ah, Huaisang... He hears the echoes of his own brother in the voice of the vulnerable man. Only, the older Shi would have stuck to every questionable decision with an iron clad resoluteness.]

Have you forgiven them, for now? While they're here, Nie-xiong?

[He asks tentatively, fairly ready to accept any answer he may get.]

cw: mention of dismemberment

[illicitly]

Not yet, Shi-xiong.

[The admission comes out soft and weary. Jin Guangyao's face had been the first one he'd seen upon returning to this world. He hadn't even had a chance to catch his breath or rest after the ceremony that was supposed to have been the end of all of this. Both his enemy and his brother were supposed to have been sealed away; the matter closed permanently. Huaisang was supposed to have the time and space he needed to sort through the many thoughts and feelings he'd boxed away for the past ten years in order to perform the task his new position as sect leader had demanded. As his status as Nie Mingjue's younger brother had demanded. ]

I had just put him to rest just before I woke up on the shore. My brother, too. I was completely exhausted when I saw him here. He was the first person I saw. I wasn't prepared to see him again. I was still out of sorts from everything. We talked and agreed that neither of us wanted to fight. We spoke of other things and it was almost like nothing had ever gone wrong between us. Like we were friends again.

[If they'd just left things as they were that night, maybe Huaisang could've forgiven him.]

He called me shortly after in the middle of the night to tell me that he'd slept with my brother here. Before we both arrived here, ten years ago he murdered my brother right in front ot me. He chopped up his body and hid it. Da Ge's soul was in pieces. It took me so long to find all of him again and put him to rest.

[His expression's far away, his eyes wet with tears as the painful memories of that experence come flooding back all at once. This wasn't how how he'd wanted to tell Shi Qingxuan. He'd hoped he'd be more stable, be able to explain himself clearly and calmly, but he already feels his resolve starting to crumble. Still, he forces himself to keep speaking.]

I won't attack him. I won't kill him. It's the best I'm able to do right now. I'm letting him redeem himself but I don't think he wants to change at all. He just wants to do what he wants without repercussions for it.

[He's losing focus, tears starting to slide down his cheeks. A tremor starts going through his body.]

[illicitly]

[Huaisang chuckles a bit, wrapping his arms a bit more snugly around Shi Qingquan and nuzzles the back of his head a moment. Contrary to what one might believe about him, most of his fantasies aren't sexual in nature so much as intimate. Quiet, restful moments where he can just relax and enjoy being with someone he cares for.]

Of course you were. Even when I thought you were just a dream, I remembered you.

[His voice comes out in a blissful murmur. Moments of simple peace and contentment are so rare. His thoughts on Jin Guangyao are complicated; the thin thread of rebuilding trust still fragile and so easily snapped, The less he ponders it, the better for now; he needs time to rest and recover before anything else can be done there.

Besides, the last person he wants to think about is Jin Guangyao when he has someone far more pleasant to reflect upon right in his arms.]

Every night I'd go to sleep, I kept hoping I would see you again. I never did but still, I kept hoping. It was the first thing I'd hoped for in a long time.

[He wants to kiss more than just Shi Qingxuan's hair but he's still figuring out what he wants to say and getting up the nerve to say it. It's hard being shy about these things.]

[air_head]

When you put it like that, you sound like a most devoted follower.

[Shi Qingxuan's tone is light, bereft of haughtiness. Shi Wudu has always worn his pride like a crown, but it was never Qingxuan's armor. Appearing in the flesh in the mortal realm to the devout was one of the many taboos the heavens had set upon them. However, a year on the island has lowered Qingxuan's guard. His pride and status are of vastly less use here.

The words should leave him shy, should leave him giddy unlike a young man or a woman being professed to most ardently. He's had his share of that as a mortal, and it has been a while since he's heard such sincerity since his ascension.]

It was different, you know, when you were gone. [he confesses, voice quieter than he hopes for or intends.] It made being around the fortress almost unbearable. But--

[the tension in his body is very brief before he relaxes into Huaisang's hold, once more.]

Things have changed around here in the past few months, ahaha... Even our dwellings... It's as if it's not the same place anymore.

Re: cw: mention of dismemberment

[air_head]

[Shi Qingxuan disentangles himself just enough so that he's no longer overwhelming Huaisang with his longer body, shifting him to rest in his arms instead. He presses his slender fingers along the high point of Huaisang's cheeks, catching his tears before they make a streak in down his paling face.]

You've taken your justice. [His own heart hurts at the thought of someone doing the same to his own older brother, the light of his life.

Heavenly Officials, after all, would never reincarnate.

His free hand splays against Huaisang's back, moving in soothing circles so as to ease the tremors vibrating within his body, and perhaps put ease to the tension in Qingxuan's body at the thought. A part of him remains chilled to the core at the image.]

You've taken your justice, Nie-xion. But forgiveness is not part of justice. Even so, everyone else he's harmed would have to forgive him first.

this wound up way longer than intended orz

[illicitly]

[Huaisang clings to Shi Qingxuan, almost childlike. He tries to focus on his words, on the warmth of his body - solid, read, and anchoring. He reminds himself that he's not alone this time, left to carry the crushing weight of a burden that fractured him bit by bit over the years.]

I know it's not. I'm trying but he's making it difficult. He keeps pushing and angering me, Shi-xiong. And I'm scared of what he'll do to Da Ge again if this goes badly. I've seen nothing that suggests it'll go any differently. What kind of brother would I be if I just let him have his way? Da Ge doesn't know him the way I do.

[He didn't want to go down this road again or be involved in this at all. He'd just wanted to take it easy for a while, give himself an extended break to rest and recover. To put everything to rest. To just spend time with Shi Qingxuan and make friends. It's hard for him not to resent the position he's been placed in without warning and so soon after returning.]

I'd be derelict in my duty if I didn't say something to my brother. Maybe not everything but I need to say something to him so he isn't caught completely off-guard. I don't want him to die again. He's so much younger than me now, too. And A-Yao's too good at faking feelings.

[Huaisang mumbles miserably. His view of Jin Guangyao in the present is pretty set though he is trying to be as far and reasonable as he can be.]

When my brother was dying, he held me back, Shi-xiong. He pretended he was innocent, that he was just as shocked as everyone was. As I was. He held me in his arms, much like you are now, knowing he was the culprit. He feigned grief and ignorance, went through the motions of helping me adjust to being sect leader, Shi-xiong.

[Huaisang sighs heavily, the tears starting up again.]

He did this for ten years. All the while knowing he'd murdered my brother. That he was the reason for my grief. For my pain. He claims now that he'd done it to protect me but I watched him take his own nephew hostage, Shi-xiong, the nephew he'd helped raise. How am I to believe him now? How am I forgive him after everything? When he's still making it clear to me that he still puts himself first? How can I trust him with my brother now? I don't know how to do that, Shi-xiong. I don't know if I can.