I just...It's so much. It really is all too much. I thought I could keep this all at bay, focus on my goals like I always have. Focus on our shared goals. Focus on rebuilding and moving forward and not hurting anyone again.
Fine. I fucked a few times, with a few friends and got into weird situations...but it wasn't like this.
When we were together, they even noticed that I had gone far away, gotten stuck in my head. They noticed and actively worked on making me feel safe. They never noticed these things before.
[He was trembling all over in a way that the camera was shaking, he only curled in deeper into himself before speaking.]
And I think it's the realization that I have never felt safe before. With them, or with anyone.
[His eyes were watery again.] Why am I like this?
I think the ribb-the ribbon was...I don't know. I could keep things friendly or try to keep it at bay but I don't think I really can, not without avoiding them completely. I feel unmoored by them in a way that I just keep kissing them or wanting to.
Why do I beg for any scrap of love thrown my way?
[He was fundamentally broken. Broken in a way that he will let that corruption destroy everything he touches, as he greedily and desperately begs for love.
The thoughts only brought a fresh set of choked sobbing, which he was really trying to stop with a hand over his mouth.]
no subject
I just...It's so much. It really is all too much. I thought I could keep this all at bay, focus on my goals like I always have. Focus on our shared goals. Focus on rebuilding and moving forward and not hurting anyone again.
Fine. I fucked a few times, with a few friends and got into weird situations...but it wasn't like this.
When we were together, they even noticed that I had gone far away, gotten stuck in my head. They noticed and actively worked on making me feel safe. They never noticed these things before.
[He was trembling all over in a way that the camera was shaking, he only curled in deeper into himself before speaking.]
And I think it's the realization that I have never felt safe before. With them, or with anyone.
[His eyes were watery again.] Why am I like this?
I think the ribb-the ribbon was...I don't know. I could keep things friendly or try to keep it at bay but I don't think I really can, not without avoiding them completely. I feel unmoored by them in a way that I just keep kissing them or wanting to.
Why do I beg for any scrap of love thrown my way?
[He was fundamentally broken. Broken in a way that he will let that corruption destroy everything he touches, as he greedily and desperately begs for love.
The thoughts only brought a fresh set of choked sobbing, which he was really trying to stop with a hand over his mouth.]