[Jin Guangyao Knew Nie Huaisang well enough to know that any bluntness was him with good intentions. He had spent time with the Nies after all, he sometimes longed to be back there with them over the vipers nest the Jins were.
It honestly helped his spiraling thoughts. He managed to control the sobs after a few minutes, but the tears were still running. He listened attentively, really focusing on his words.]
...That had always been the case. I've never been in a relationship where I wasn't lying. I always thought it was to protect them, but perhaps I was trying to protect myself. I was lying to A-Su as well. And yes. I know. It'll probably end the same.
[He took a deep breath in and then let it go, really thinking about it.]
I know that they aren't the same people.
Still. I... I want to protect them. I want to fix what I've done. I think on some level I've always loved them, I loved them both so much. They were the first people who made me feel like I was worth anything. And I see them and I just remember everything I loved. How Mingjue had a bit of a stupid sense of humor, and how lovely and rich his laugh was...How fucking astute he was back then before... How his eyes just could bore and strip through you. You have the same quality these days.
And Xichen, I've always...I am still hurt and angry and... I am mad about it and mad at myself that I still fucking love them so deeply.
Master Shen says he may be able to help with the qi issues. I want to protect him, so much.
[He squeezed his eyes shut.]
But I feel so sad too. Where were they when I was being hurt every day in Koi tower? Dage didn't see it and still just kicked me down in a place where I didn't even have any power. Would anyone in the cultivation world have cared if I died? I already know the answer to that.
What I want is...
I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy even if I am not. I want to be treated like a person who isn't inherently bad or disgusting.
no subject
It honestly helped his spiraling thoughts. He managed to control the sobs after a few minutes, but the tears were still running. He listened attentively, really focusing on his words.]
...That had always been the case. I've never been in a relationship where I wasn't lying. I always thought it was to protect them, but perhaps I was trying to protect myself. I was lying to A-Su as well. And yes. I know. It'll probably end the same.
[He took a deep breath in and then let it go, really thinking about it.]
I know that they aren't the same people.
Still. I... I want to protect them. I want to fix what I've done. I think on some level I've always loved them, I loved them both so much. They were the first people who made me feel like I was worth anything. And I see them and I just remember everything I loved. How Mingjue had a bit of a stupid sense of humor, and how lovely and rich his laugh was...How fucking astute he was back then before... How his eyes just could bore and strip through you. You have the same quality these days.
And Xichen, I've always...I am still hurt and angry and... I am mad about it and mad at myself that I still fucking love them so deeply.
Master Shen says he may be able to help with the qi issues. I want to protect him, so much.
[He squeezed his eyes shut.]
But I feel so sad too. Where were they when I was being hurt every day in Koi tower? Dage didn't see it and still just kicked me down in a place where I didn't even have any power. Would anyone in the cultivation world have cared if I died? I already know the answer to that.
What I want is...
I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel worthy even if I am not. I want to be treated like a person who isn't inherently bad or disgusting.
I don't know If I can ever have that.