[Huaisang clings to Shi Qingxuan, almost childlike. He tries to focus on his words, on the warmth of his body - solid, read, and anchoring. He reminds himself that he's not alone this time, left to carry the crushing weight of a burden that fractured him bit by bit over the years.]
I know it's not. I'm trying but he's making it difficult. He keeps pushing and angering me, Shi-xiong. And I'm scared of what he'll do to Da Ge again if this goes badly. I've seen nothing that suggests it'll go any differently. What kind of brother would I be if I just let him have his way? Da Ge doesn't know him the way I do.
[He didn't want to go down this road again or be involved in this at all. He'd just wanted to take it easy for a while, give himself an extended break to rest and recover. To put everything to rest. To just spend time with Shi Qingxuan and make friends. It's hard for him not to resent the position he's been placed in without warning and so soon after returning.]
I'd be derelict in my duty if I didn't say something to my brother. Maybe not everything but I need to say something to him so he isn't caught completely off-guard. I don't want him to die again. He's so much younger than me now, too. And A-Yao's too good at faking feelings.
[Huaisang mumbles miserably. His view of Jin Guangyao in the present is pretty set though he is trying to be as far and reasonable as he can be.]
When my brother was dying, he held me back, Shi-xiong. He pretended he was innocent, that he was just as shocked as everyone was. As I was. He held me in his arms, much like you are now, knowing he was the culprit. He feigned grief and ignorance, went through the motions of helping me adjust to being sect leader, Shi-xiong.
[Huaisang sighs heavily, the tears starting up again.]
He did this for ten years. All the while knowing he'd murdered my brother. That he was the reason for my grief. For my pain. He claims now that he'd done it to protect me but I watched him take his own nephew hostage, Shi-xiong, the nephew he'd helped raise. How am I to believe him now? How am I forgive him after everything? When he's still making it clear to me that he still puts himself first? How can I trust him with my brother now? I don't know how to do that, Shi-xiong. I don't know if I can.
this wound up way longer than intended orz
I know it's not. I'm trying but he's making it difficult. He keeps pushing and angering me, Shi-xiong. And I'm scared of what he'll do to Da Ge again if this goes badly. I've seen nothing that suggests it'll go any differently. What kind of brother would I be if I just let him have his way? Da Ge doesn't know him the way I do.
[He didn't want to go down this road again or be involved in this at all. He'd just wanted to take it easy for a while, give himself an extended break to rest and recover. To put everything to rest. To just spend time with Shi Qingxuan and make friends. It's hard for him not to resent the position he's been placed in without warning and so soon after returning.]
I'd be derelict in my duty if I didn't say something to my brother. Maybe not everything but I need to say something to him so he isn't caught completely off-guard. I don't want him to die again. He's so much younger than me now, too. And A-Yao's too good at faking feelings.
[Huaisang mumbles miserably. His view of Jin Guangyao in the present is pretty set though he is trying to be as far and reasonable as he can be.]
When my brother was dying, he held me back, Shi-xiong. He pretended he was innocent, that he was just as shocked as everyone was. As I was. He held me in his arms, much like you are now, knowing he was the culprit. He feigned grief and ignorance, went through the motions of helping me adjust to being sect leader, Shi-xiong.
[Huaisang sighs heavily, the tears starting up again.]
He did this for ten years. All the while knowing he'd murdered my brother. That he was the reason for my grief. For my pain. He claims now that he'd done it to protect me but I watched him take his own nephew hostage, Shi-xiong, the nephew he'd helped raise. How am I to believe him now? How am I forgive him after everything? When he's still making it clear to me that he still puts himself first? How can I trust him with my brother now? I don't know how to do that, Shi-xiong. I don't know if I can.