illicitly | IC Inbox for Erku

[It only takes that tone of desperation for all semblance of unbiased rationality to fly out of Shi Qingxuan's pretty head. His own fingers tremble in the now taut fabric of Huaisang's robes, stretched across his back with the force of the wind master's pulling.

Virtuous and kind as he is, he doesn't have enough depth of generosity to extend the benefit of the doubt to the whole situation--not with the way Huaisang's voice breaks and the breath in his chest rattles at the mention of his older brother. The tears come faster than he can wipe them for Huaisang, this time with the hem of his sleeve, soaking the frustration up.

Huaisang has taken his justice, but justice hasn't taken its course. What use is it when the man lives and breathes here rather than face his own karma and reincarnate to make right his wrongs?

And yet, Qingxuan has never been one to wrap his head around revenge. But this is different. This is setting things right.]

Your brother deserves to know the truth. Is that what you need me to tell you? [As if Qingxuan would have to be coaxed to agree.]

Edited 2021-06-06 20:36 (UTC)

I need to know I'm not insane. He acts as if I'm the unreasonable one for not accepting him back with open arms. For being angry that he's involved with Da Ge under false pretenses. For holding him accountable for everything he did before.

[Huaisang pauses, taking shaky breaths to try and steady himself. It's all been so much to deal with and it feels like he's barely begun to speak at all.]

He has so many dark secrets, Shi-xiong. Most people didn't know just how depraved he was. And he was the elected leader of the cultivation world back home. I still have nightmares.

[Nightmares that Shi Qingxuan has probably been privy to on occasion, given how often they've occurred and how frequently they've shared a bed. There's been times that Huaisang has woken up in a cold sweat to pour himself another glass of wine or cried for his brother in his sleep.]

I... I made errors in judgement trying to expose him. Some of them ended with people dying. I risked the lives of many uninvolved people and I'm not proud of some of the decisions I made. I was... cold. I stopped seeing people as people for a time. Before I came here, I've spent most of the past ten years alone with the truth of who and what he is.

[The tears are starting to slow a little as he just rests against Shi Qingxuan, letting himself be comforted and held for a change. Ever since that day, someone simply consoling him and showing care has taken on a darker meaning for him. But he's trying to get over that.]

Before all of this began, I really loved him a lot. We were so close, I thought. There was a time when I thought of him as my best friend.

Edited 2021-06-07 08:48 (UTC)

It seems like it's been a while since I was here last. The season's changed.

[Huaisang sounds a little wistful, maybe a little regretful. He's probably missed out on a lot in however long it's been since the sea had called him home. In all honesty, he doesn't expect things to be the same as they'd always been. There's still things they don't know about each other A lot had happened for Huaisang in the months they'd been apart, after all. Maybe it's the been the same here, too.]

It has a different air than it used to. I'm not sure why. I thought that maybe it was me. Only a few days ago, I was back in Qinghe, in the true home of my ancestors. The real place this one was copied from. Maybe it feels different because my memories haven't dulled yet.

[He pauses a moment, considering.]

Do you still like living here, Shi-xiong? Are you happy?

[It's true that his spiritual power is low compared to most cultivators, especially for the leader of a great sect. However, Huaisang has honed what skills he does have to a razor sharp edge within his limitations. Spiritual arrays and talismans became something of a latent interest of his after Nie Mingjue's death and he was left on his own and a possessed arm to wrangle until he could find help he could trust. He's capable enough of sensing the fortifications by focusing on the hazy traces of spiritual energy he can detect at a glance. Huaisang can also tell immediately that the work is far beyond anything he's capable of doing. Not even his best array work can compare.]

I see. Thank you for your efforts. They are greatly appreciated. And yes, you are correct. It was intended to be a safe, secure home for us all in the event of more monster invasions.

[The rationale certainly doesn't need to be explained to the man who'd spent the entire duration of his stay being threatened by Xue Yang or in fear of the giant statue commanders attacking and forcing them out of his home.]

What is a distance-shortening array? I don't believe i've heard of that one before.

[Sure, he can intuit the purpose from the name of it alone but that doesn't tell him much in the way of details.]

[It's a dull fear at the back of Shi Qingxuan's head. Whatever has become of his real home back in the heavenly realm? Is this really a dream, after all?

His morbid curiosity would never override his fear of certainty, and he doesn't dare ask outloud.

Stretching his silence by moving this way and that, limbs taut over his head as if to shake the last of sleep off, he buys precious time to contemplate the words he's never taken care to ponder before rattling out before.]

Why, it's always lovely here, Nie-xiong! Even better now you're back!

]The evenings of drinking alone. The closed door separating him from Ming Yi. The lonely, late breakfasts and the bustle all around him that never seems to include him. Qingxuan's smile dims despite himself.]

It's... Gotten rather small, for such an unknown island. And dull. That doesn't sound too happy, does it?

[Huaisang wanted his friend back.

The chill from before eases into something milder, sadder, Shi Qingxuan's finger pads pressing down to move in soothing circles instead of gripping at his robes. He lets the last of the tears subside, the shaking to cease, for Huaisang to thrust out the last of his words.]

The person you remember him from that many years of ago is no longer there. [he starts gently, giving him a squeeze as he does.] If I'm understanding what you're telling, that person never existed. Perhaps any of that goodness had gone by then.

[He is loathe to deny redemption, but has he even taken the proper course of redemption?]

He's changed you into the worst sort of man, and you don't want to turn into that once again, not even here.

It doesn't sound very happy, no.

[He's good at reading subtext and noticing details like the dimming of the smile that's somehow made its way into his heart. Seeing Shi Qingxuan even a little sad makes his heart ache. He continues holding him gently, still petting that beautiful hair. It does feel nice for his presence to actually mean something to someone. He'd long since resigned himself to the dreary reality that most of his value back home is tied to being the last of a clan and a sect leader than anything that has to do with him as a person. To have someone simply miss him lightens his spirits a little.]

There's been no interesting new adventures while I was away? No new developments or changes?

[He lets himself be soothed, to lean into that touch, be comforted by that squeeze. There's wisdom in those words and Shi Qingxuan has years of experience he'll never have.]

I don't want to be that man anymore, Shi-xiong. He destroyed my life. Back home, I'm all alone. I have my disciples but they don't need me. I don't have any friends, not anymore. I've spent the past ten years pretending to be someone I haven't been in a long time.

[While the admission is quiet and sad, there's less raw anguish in his voice now. Just tired resignation and acceptance.]

The mistakes I made can't be undone but I want to atone for them. I want to set the wrongs I did right as much they can be. But those I hurt are beyond my reach now.

[Even if Huaisang had felt that Lan Xichen deserved an apology, the one here isn't the same man. Any act of contrition he gave would be empty and lacking true sincerity, a pale imitation of what it should be.]

I don't know what to do about Jin Guangyao anymore but I'm speaking with my brother tomorrow. I can't keep silent about him anymore. What Da Ge chooses to do from that point onward is his decision. After that I'm leaving the Unclean Realm, Shi-xiong. I've asked the Augur for a new residence separate from here.

[It's not the way Huaisang wanted to break the news to Shi Qingxuan but he had to tell him sooner or later.]

You're not alone!

[He blurts out before wrapping his words in a soothing context, spots of color rising to his sleep addled skin. Shi Qingxuan's seeped in loneliness for as long as he's been alive, and long before his ascension, a natural part of him that his utterance sounds superfluous and indulgent to his own ears.

His fingers flex before they smooth down the sides of Huaisang's sleeves.]

How could you say that when I'm here? How would you even hesitate to do what's right when it comes to this man when I'm around? If you think I'm leaving you to your devices, then you're wrong, my friend.

[He couldn't very well or at all explains this mess of a matter to the older Nie, but he Qingxuan will be present if needed. His ardent determination and resolve wane into something else at the other man's quiet confession.]

You're... You're leaving?

[Is he taking the larger, more intimidating Nie sect leader to start anew, away from all of this? Qingxuan's mind races into conclusions with no end in sight, his tongue mercifully tied by surprise.]

Ah, life positively blossomed around here! [there is a brightness in his tone wholly separate from his actual mood, eyes lighting up with something akin to mischief, like a child sitting on a delicious secret.]

And feasts! They're most scandalous, but anonymous. And the young cultivator in the eastern wing has taken to running an establishment--it took off right after you've left, alas. But Nie-xiong-- [most important of all, with warmth finally seeping back into Qingxuan's shallow smile.]

You weren't around to see any of that, so what's the use of having it?

[ Ming Yi nods, and there's no trace of surprise or derision on his pale face as he proceeds to answer: ]

It burns a vast amount of spiritual power; it's not a spell that would be widely used among mortal cultivators.

The spell itself allows for fast travel between locations. [ Indeed, as the name implies. ] There specific points established across the island that can be accessed freely through the network, and there's one other point outside the network you need to be aware of. There's not a map of this island yet, but I'm sure the locations I've connected to will be familiar enough to you.

[ It's not a technical explanation, but Nie Huaisang isn't a junior official of the Earth Master who needs to know the finer details. ]

Since you aren't aware if the array yet, I'll teach it to you when it's convenient for you.

Jin Guangyao told me everything.

[Mingjue sits, staring at his bracelet thoughtfully. Then, because he wants Huaisang to know that he's not currently angry about it, he adds the little symbol the demon woman taught him:]

:)

[Now that Huaisang's more settled and secure in a place of his own, he's reached a much calmer state of mind, his temper soothed for the time being, at least. Ming Yi's assistance with warding his new home and Shi Qingxuan's comfort and support have helped ease much of his anxiety over the situation with Jin Guangyao.

Then he sees the text from Nie Mingjue. After a reflexive flinch at seeing Jin Guangyao's name in it, he regards it with the same skepticism that's protected him and his sect from enemy attack for so many years.

And then the smiley comes and Huaisang just has to stare it a bit before responding.]

How do you know?

[Please excuse his wariness, da ge. He's already been burned once and knows all too well how slippery Jin Guangyao's tongue can be.]

Edited 2021-06-13 04:38 (UTC)

Watched his memories.

[Which probably required explanation.]

In those things they shoved us in last month. All the way up to his death.

I see.

Did you view them as yourself or through the eyes of another?

[Considering his own experience with those things, he has to ask.]

[Huaisang knows that anxiety as well as he knows his own so without hesitation, he leans over and gives Shi Qingxuan's lips a gentle, chaste kiss. He lingers there for several long moments before pulling back to continue speaking softly.]

I intend to. My brother was leader before me and he is new to this world. The Unclean Realm was his home, too, and familiarity might help him better adjust to living here. On the other hand, living here hurts me now. My brother's murder... It happened here. This is where it all happened in our world.

[He blinks back a sudden fresh wave of tears.]

I could handle it before they came. I'd handled it for ten years. But all of us being here again... All of us in these walls, trying to keep the peace... Trying to give the killer a second chance to redeem himself... Knowing that he's in bed with my brother again acting like none of it ever happened and we can all just move on so easily.

[The old familiar anger and bitterness starts creeping back in, the hatred that robbed him of reason and conscience until all that mattered to him was Jin Guangyao's total destruction, no matter the price he had to pay. But Huaisang still has enough self-control to catch himself before his thoughts slip down that dark and twisted passage again. He takes a deep breath, the fatigue showing on his face again.]

....I can't do it, Shi-xiong. I won't do it. Not again. What has he done to deserve the amount of mercy and compassion he demands from me after ruining so many lives? My life? My brother's life? The lives of the women he murdered or locked up to conceal his crime? Why should he get his happiness when I'm always forced to sacrifice mine? It's not fair. It's not right.

[And he's starting to get worked up again. More steadying breaths.]

.I don't know if the Augur will grant my wish. Or if it'll be like this. But I... I was hoping you'd come with me, Shi-xiong. I don't do well living alone. And I don't want to be where you aren't. This... This place isn't home to me anymore. You are.

Edited 2021-06-13 23:47 (UTC)

[Mingjue grimaces over how exactly to describe it and settles on:]

My own eyes. From the outside. But with an insight like Empathy.

And you didn't lose awareness of yourself at any point?

[He's very thorough in his work, da ge.]

[With how specific the question is, Mingjue relaxes and his answer is easier to give.]

You know more about the technology than I do. I remained myself from beginning to end and felt my own emotions about the events I saw. But I see why you were worried I didn't know.

I was concerned for your safety.

I tried to reason with him when he told me that he had been intimate with you and Xichen-ge.
I tried to support him the best I could. When I pointed out that you and Xichen-ge were not the ones he had harmed, he put his own desires before both of yours. If you doubt me, the messages we have exchanged are still on my bracelet. If you wish, I will show them to you so that you may decide for yourself about both of us.

I will not tell you what to think of him. Your conclusions are yours to make.

How can I doubt you? I'm very proud of you. Appalled at everything I saw, but very proud. You trapped him in a net of his own making.

[A pause between messages. This manner of communication. He likes it, how concise it is.]

When you came to me in tears, the time for silence ended. Your riddles were helpful, even if they were riddles. After this, I will handle him myself with open eyes. You do not have to worry about me as much.

You might be older than I am, but I have still led a war.

[That's a joke. He's making a joke.]

[This is soft. Shi Qingxuan isn't used to tenderness.

And it's over before he can blink in response, the sweep of hair and fabric pulling away just as he tilts his chin up for more. His lips still tingle from the contact, little pricks of pleasure yet to dissipate.

His hands are on Huaisang's face before he knows it, fingertips doing away with the budding tears, plump with roundness before they can roll off each cheekbones. It's sticky work, grounding him even as the blood is thudding in his ears at Huaisang's revelation. None of this is right. None of this has gone the way it should have been in the end. He could taste Huaisang's own helplessness on his tongue, and it's bitter.

Suddenly, he is aware once more of his immense luck. If anything, Qingxuan has never been physically alone. The desire for companionship eats away at him like rapid fire feasting on dry wood.]

May I, Nie-xiong? [His desires are not wholly selfless, damp hands alighting on Huaisang's shoulders.] I won't be a burden, I promise you! I can't cook, but we could purchase our food. And I'm not so dreadful with a broom, either! You will never find a better drinking companion than me.

[He winks, red rimmed eyes sparking with mirth after all.]

You would do well to have the lord of Fortune in your household, after all.

[His brother is proud of him.

Anger, disappointment, and shame over the methods he'd used... Mistrust in the person Huaisang had become over the years... Those were reactions that he'd been prepared for, not this. It take some time for Huaisang to reply because the words are enough to make him burst into tears of bittersweet relief. He's been carrying guilt over not being able to lead the Qinghe Nie Sect the way he imagined his brother would have wanted him to for so long. Every questionable decision had been painful until the one way Huaisang had been able to continue making them had been to simply numb himself in order to keep doing what had to be done.

Once he's finally stopped crying for the time being, Huaisang wipes his eyes, washes his face, and simply goes back to texting.]

I evaded open war with the Lanling Jin and saw to it that you were avenged. None of our disciples were killed. It was the best that I could do.

[He could talk about his fears and his reasoning but what would it matter now? The most important things is that he'd kept their people safe. They had not shared the Tingshan He Clan's fate because of the decisions he'd made as their leader. Even if Jin Guangyao's word that he simply would've locked Huaisang away could be trusted, there was no assurance that the cultivators under his leadership would've been granted the same mercy.]

I'll leave him to you. If you are informed, there is little else I can do to help you but stay out of your way.

[Huaisang has his own life to lead here, after all. The more distance he has from their relationship and the less he knows about matters between them unless his assistance is specifically required, the better.]

[A scandalous feast and one of the residents starting a new business both sound interesting, indeed, and far more pleasant than the life Huaisang had resumed back in his world. But at least, he can take comfort in that the task is finally finished and he can move on with his own life now. His own wants and needs have been put on hold for far too long.]

Tell me more about the feast. Did you go? And the young cultivator in the eastern wing? Would that be the daozhang pair?

[He sighs a bit.]

I'm sorry I could not be to keep you company, Shi-xiong.

[It's the pause between texts that make Mingjue wonder if he should have done this in person.]

You did good. We can talk more later, but you avenged my future self. I'm satisfied.

[After a moment of consideration and, Mingjue will admit it to himself, hesitance, he adds:]

I'm not the older brother you knew. You're my brother, but not the brother I expected. Without this between us, we can figure out what kind of brothers we are now.

If you want.

IC Inbox for Erku

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Text; Out of the blue sometime after the June Mingle

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