illicitly | Open RP Post

"Y-Yes. I need help."

Maybe not in the way he's being asked or with this clothes. Or maybe he's being over-reliant on him again and for something he'd never anticipated. He's worn a mask for ten years, hidden himself behind invisible barriers with sharp edges and pitfalls to ward off anyone getting too close to him ever again. Removing it now isn't a simple matter he can do on his own anymore.

He's not sure if asking Meng Yao to do it is wise or in his best interests after everything. But he made the decision to go down this path and he's sticking to it, at least for now.

"Please. I need you," he murmurs, standing perfectly still.

The first response was honestly not what he'd expected but it's the second that has him frozen, breath caught in his throat as he stares for a long moment. The words had been spoken softly, true but that didn't lessen the impact and Meng Yao can't move.

Because if he's honest, he's thought about this. Not that he'd ever dared do more while he was married, both out of respect to his wife and out of the thought that if he took that step, there was no going back, but Jin Guangyao was dead.

He moves, stands slowly before coming up behind him, his hands tentative as he reaches out, fingers lightly touching the fabric of Huaisang's underrobe before he undoes the ties holding it in place. "I...Huaisang..." It's soft, his voice slightly strained.

"Please, I need you," Huaisang repeats, sounding almost near tears.

He's been so alone for ten years, hiding who he is, feigning idiocy before an audience that had never believed he was worth anything anyway. No one's ever understood him, no one in his sect and no on in the cultivation world. Half the time, he doesn't even understand himself. All he's done has been lie for ten years, to others, to himself.

He'd loved him once. Back when he'd been innocent and full of hope for a future that would soon be shadowed in darkness and grief. His life had been so blissfully ignorant, so simple. Jin Guangyao had been a bright spot in his otherwise dimly lit world. His visits, his presents, his soft words, his patience, his attempts to mediate between him and his brother - memories of kindness and joy he's been repressing for ten years all come flooding back at once.

He's trembling, teeth chattering, as his emotions continue to rage out of control. He'd once thought to say something, to risk his brother's wrath by choosing the one man Nie Mingjue would never approve of. The next thing he knows, he's shrugging out of that final layer of robes, flinging his arms around Meng Yao and pressing his lips to his, almost frenzied.

Arms wrap around Huaisang, hold him close as he kisses back, lets his mouth open and takes control of the kiss, for this time, letting it build between them before breaking the contact, gaze searching Huaisang's face. And then he leans in, lips brushing against his cheeks briefly.

"You have me. You've always had me, Huaisang." It's quiet, his hands sliding up Huaisang's back slowly.

Meng Yao's body is warm but embrace still feels cold. Or maybe it's just Huaisang himself that's frozen solid. Perhaps he'll begin to melt over time. The hand slowly sliding up his back helps.

"I want to believe you," he murmurs sorrowfully. "I don't know if I can anymore. I haven't believed in anyone in ten years, A-Yao, aside from one man and he thinks I did something terrible to your mother. I didn't though. I put her somewhere safe. When we make it home, I'll take you to her."

Wei Wuxian's accusation of desecrating Meng Shi had stung terribly but it's past and he's not here so he focuses on Meng Yao now. He stares into his eyes a long moment before leaning forward to kiss him again when there's a sudden knock on the floor.

Looks like dinner has arrived.

"We can deal with that later." His voice is still soft, fingers just smoothing over skin, his touches slow and gentle. "And I don't expect you to believe me, not yet, but there's time for that. For me to prove myself to you again."

And the knock has him stepping back. "Get into bed, I'll take the food from them and set it up for you once they're gone."

"...Okay," he murmurs, just giving in to that gentleness that has always acted as a balm. He relaxes at his words. "I'll give you a chance to make it all right."

Reluctantly, he pulls back, slipping naked underneath the sheets to wait for Meng Yao to bring his food over to him.

Edited 2021-03-25 18:13 (UTC)

He speaks to the innkeeper before taking the tray from him and closing the door before they get a look into the room. Then it's just a matter of putting the tray down beside the bed and moving to sit again.

"You should eat."

"All right," Huaisang murmurs, pulling the tray into his lap, after sitting up and resting his back against the headboard.

While he tends to enjoy good food - the higher quality the dining, the better - his appetite tends to be pretty low, especially when he's stressed. At first, Huaisang just moves the food around the plate listlessly a bit first before finally starting to pick at the meal in small bites.

He falls silent as he eats, looking small, tired, and giving off a brittle air as if the slightest wrong move might shatter him to pieces.

He settles on the floor beside the bed, letting him eat in silence as he sits there, gaze focused on the wall, hands folded in his lap.

"You don't have to sit on the floor like a dog," Huaisang says after a bit with a brusqueness eerily reminiscent of Nie Mingjue. "There's plenty of room on the bed beside me."

He's aware that he's sending mixed signals but he can't help it. He hasn't been able to firmly wrangle his emotions back under control since their conversation earlier and he's simply too worn out to put a whole lot of effort into it now.

"I was waiting until you finished your meal." He answers after a moment before he does move, settling on the edge of the bed.

"I'm almost done anyway. I don't eat much usually but I don't really need to."

He practices inedia after all. Though his elders tend to take meals with him back home just make sure he doesn't pick at his food and actually eats. Still, he's managed to eat almost three-quarters of what's on his plate. That's about as close to a full meal he ever eats nowadays.

"Even if you practice inedia, it's not always necessary." But he moves the tray out of the way when Huaisang is done, his expression as neutral as he can manage when he comes to sit back on the bed.

He feels restless, awkward, and drained just sitting there on the bed with Meng Yao. Huaisang's still at a total loss of what to do in this situation. Simply hating him and wanting to see him ruined and dead had been easier to deal with and maybe on some level, it's why Huaisang had never confronted him directly about anything he'd known. If he'd allowed himself to feel anything else or opened that door, he wouldn't have been able to complete his task. If he'd seen Jin Guangyao as anything but a cold-hearted villain, he'd never found the strength inside himself to strike him down and avenge Nie Mingjue.

But now, that door was forever closed and the villain he'd slain so ruthlessly dead. Now it's just Meng Yao and Nie Huaisang sitting alone in the room of an inn trying to figure out where and how to move forward from here.

Permitting Meng Yao to take care of him while he readjusts to not being alone again seems as good of a place to start as any.

"...You're right. I should probably eat more. I'm just not hungry much anymore. I haven't had much of an appetite in years. Sometimes I forget meals entirely so the servants follow a strict schedule to make sure I eat something every day."

"I'll make sure you don't forget." His gaze drifts to Huaisang for a moment before he turns his gaze away, his hands folding in his lap.

"Is there anything else you'd like me to order for you before you sleep?"

"No, I just want to got to bed and not worry about anything anymore. I'm so tired, A-Yao."

Another slip but he can't help it. He feels off-balance, unstable in a way he hasn't experienced since the day he'd discovered his brother's missing body and signs his crypt had been disturbed from the inside. That day he'd ordered his men to cover up the graverobbery and gone about his business, trying to make sense of it all. With his brother avenged, much of the wound has been cauterized, leaving a scar but the inconsolable grief and vengeful madness have receded.

He searches Meng Yao's face in the hope he'll find some sort of answer and guidance there.

"I..." He falters, helpless. "Just stay with me tonight. Hold me until I fall asleep. I don't want to think anymore."

"...Do you want me to ensure you can't think?" His voice is quiet, Meng Yao moving to settle beside him on the bed, fingers brushing against his.

"Do you have any rules on what I can't do?"

"Y-Yes, I do. It's been a long time since I've shared my bed with someone, even just to sleep."

He'd thought of nothing else but ending this man's life and exposing every wrong he'd ever done for ten years. With him gone, it'd been easier to think of a new plan to devote himself to in order to keep moving forward along some sort of structured path. Now that Meng Yao's alive again and he himself is separated from sect all that he knows, he feels like he's falling, desperate to cling to anything or anyone familiar.

"...and no rules. Just do whatever you want with me, at least for a while. Prove I can trust you if only a little."

Unconciously, his fingers flex against Meng Yao's.

Edited 2021-04-02 07:00 (UTC)

That gets him a brief nod before Meng Yao pulls away, discards his outer layers and then settles back in the bed, fingertips just tracing along Huaisang's cheek lightly, his touch gentle.

Then he dips his head, mouth brushing against Huaisang's, a brief gentle contact.

Some of nervous tension in him starts to dissipate just a little at that soft touch to his cheek. Huaisang responds to that gentle kiss, lips parting slightly. He lifts a shaky hand to run just the tips of his fingers through Meng Yao's hair, his other one clasping the other man's remaining layer, not to remove it, just to curl his fingers into the cloth to hold.

That's as good as the permission already given and Meng Yao kisses him again, still slow but letting this one linger and build, fingertips tracing the line of Huaisang's throat, skimming over his pulse before sliding lower.

Huaisang kisses back again, matching Meng Yao's pace instinctively. He doesn't push or deepen the kiss any further than this, just cards his fingers more thoroughly through the other man's hair. His breath catches at that delicate touch to his throat, heartbeat quickening.

He'd wanted this once. Yearned for Meng Yao to see him as more than just Nie Mingjue's little brother to spoil with presents and intervene with when his sibling was being too tough on him. He'd loved him back then with a pure, innocent heart, thinking of him as his best friend at point though he'd always felt shy about saying it.

Right now, Huaisang holds onto that feeling, letting it warm him, grip tightening a little more on that layer. He focuses intently on that soft touch trailing down bare skin, almost like a wild, feral animal growing docile in the hands of a handler.

"A-Yao... I l-love..." The words come out in a weak stutter against Meng Yao's lips when the kiss breaks, evaporating into confusion before they can even fully form.

"Don't." It's soft, Meng Yao lifting his head slowly to meet his eyes.

"Not right now. You aren't in the right place to say that to me now. Not after everything I've done to you." Fingers trace down his side, moving the blanket down to bare Huaisang to his eyes, settling back on his knees to just look at him.

Meng Yao's right. Even saying that much is enough to make him feel guilty and ashamed. To go through all of that, to sacrifice what and who he's sacrificed to get to this point, to throw it all away and say that he loves him now? It's... wrong. It still feels wrong.

But Huaisang doesn't resist the covers being pulled away, even if he's finding it difficult to maintain eye contact. His cheeks are flushed and there's a faint tremor running through his body still.

"Please, I need you," he whispers, feeling helpless as he struggles with himself and what he needs or wants from Meng Yao in this moment. "Just... stay close to me. Don't leave me again."

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