Jin Guangyao picked at a piece of fish placing it over the rice enjoying the fresh sea flavor. Koemi wanted more tofu so all he could do was oblige, and she chittered happily in his head. He gave a soft laugh. While in Hakagemachi he had to deal with the fact that she was supposed to take him over entirely, not it felt like they were just sharing this body.
"I would start with the white fish, the flavor is so nice and light. I really missed seafood."
His brows furrowed. "Is that true? I thought you would have shown your true abilities after my death."
"I've only just started," he says as maneuvers some of the white fish onto his plate with the serving chopsticks. "It caused a bit of a stir. No one expected me to be good at organizing ceremonies or conducting rites, much less as skilled as Old Man Lan."
It's only a small demonstration of what he's capable of and to be compared favorably to a respected elder and esteemed teacher of the Gusu Lan Sect had been a great compliment. But also a little worrying, too, since with recognition also comes expectations. Nie Huaisang's always been keenly aware of the pressures that come with leadership and responsibility and harbored doubts about his abilities to meet them. A desire to avoid that extra scrutiny and burden has played a major role in his preference to downplay his abilities and present himself as far more incompetent than he actually is. It's a long-held defense mechanism and one he's finding himself backsliding into here as well as Tenkohime needs and expects more of him.
What if his best isn't good enough? It was never good enough in the past, back home. What reason does he have to believe things will be any different here?
"I suppose I'm still getting used to it. You know what people have always thought of me."
A useless good-for-nothing. The unprepared leader who caused his clan to fall into weakness and obscurity through sheer incompetence. Of course, there was way more to the situation than the public knew and they were always keen to spread unfounded rumors but being surrounded by such a negative perception of himself, however false, has still left its mark on him.
"That is a good compliment. It must have been jarring to just bury us and then see me here." he did not ask if any lit incense or burned paper was for him. It was something Wei Wuxian has said in Hakagemnachi and he cried over it in the beginning. There was no one to give offerings to his mother either...
He refocused on his food instead.
"I can understand the anxieties of being seen as such. It comes with expectations and tongues and opinions." It was why he worked so hard as Chief Cultivator to quell any rumors about him, with swiftness. Why he has had to become the perfect gentleman and wipe away the very core of any whoreson mannerisms he may have had, from his fast and melodious Yunmeng accent to scraping down the callouses in his hands with a stone so it had the illusion of a man who had never worked. It was the price he paid to protect himself and his family, but in the end, it didn't matter at all.
"I think it will get better as you go. This is your true self, doing what you are good at. Being what you are good at. And I know leadership feels daunting but you will grow into a fine one.
Whether that is back home or here. I always knew you had it in you." He ate quietly, humming softly as he chewed.
"You will find a style that works for you. It will not be Da-ge's style, Er-ge's style, or even my style of leadership. It will be your own, from watching all of us and hopefully learning from our follies.
But I will remain by you should you need guidance, while here at least. It would be good for you to know the ins and out of the chief cultivator's position and what it may entail. I would rather be happy to leave the world in your capable hands lest a greedy man takes it."
The work he's doing for Tenkohime is good experience for his position back home, he knows. Learning how to work with others in a group instead of relying only on himself and his own resources to achieve goals is a skill he needs to develop. Manipulation and diplomacy only get a politician and leader so far, Power means nothing wihout the strength and discipline necessary to maintain it, no matter what form that takes.
No matter how skilled he is at running his sect, Nie Huaisang leads only because it is his birthright. Without the blood of the Nie Clan coursing through his veins, he would have never been in a position of authority in their world. The chief cultivator position is different. To fill the now vacant seat, he has prove himself worthy enough to secure the votes of the other sect leaders first.
"i need to learn how to work with others," he says after a moment with a sigh. "I've worked alone for so long or relied on subordinates that followed my orders without question. The inner workings of the Tamamo Clan are so different from anything I've known."
But he's slowly getting used to it in the course of his work on the turf war. Working alongside Young Master Gao, Lady Musashi, and Jin Guangyao himself have helped.
"I have some ideas but little experience working overtly with other leaders. I have no intention of abusing my authority once the position is in my grasp. Too many of our number are hungry for power and acclaim. This type of avarice is counterproductive to peace and harmony."
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no subject
"I would start with the white fish, the flavor is so nice and light. I really missed seafood."
His brows furrowed. "Is that true? I thought you would have shown your true abilities after my death."
no subject
It's only a small demonstration of what he's capable of and to be compared favorably to a respected elder and esteemed teacher of the Gusu Lan Sect had been a great compliment. But also a little worrying, too, since with recognition also comes expectations. Nie Huaisang's always been keenly aware of the pressures that come with leadership and responsibility and harbored doubts about his abilities to meet them. A desire to avoid that extra scrutiny and burden has played a major role in his preference to downplay his abilities and present himself as far more incompetent than he actually is. It's a long-held defense mechanism and one he's finding himself backsliding into here as well as Tenkohime needs and expects more of him.
What if his best isn't good enough? It was never good enough in the past, back home. What reason does he have to believe things will be any different here?
"I suppose I'm still getting used to it. You know what people have always thought of me."
A useless good-for-nothing. The unprepared leader who caused his clan to fall into weakness and obscurity through sheer incompetence. Of course, there was way more to the situation than the public knew and they were always keen to spread unfounded rumors but being surrounded by such a negative perception of himself, however false, has still left its mark on him.
no subject
He refocused on his food instead.
"I can understand the anxieties of being seen as such. It comes with expectations and tongues and opinions." It was why he worked so hard as Chief Cultivator to quell any rumors about him, with swiftness. Why he has had to become the perfect gentleman and wipe away the very core of any whoreson mannerisms he may have had, from his fast and melodious Yunmeng accent to scraping down the callouses in his hands with a stone so it had the illusion of a man who had never worked. It was the price he paid to protect himself and his family, but in the end, it didn't matter at all.
"I think it will get better as you go. This is your true self, doing what you are good at. Being what you are good at. And I know leadership feels daunting but you will grow into a fine one.
Whether that is back home or here. I always knew you had it in you." He ate quietly, humming softly as he chewed.
"You will find a style that works for you. It will not be Da-ge's style, Er-ge's style, or even my style of leadership. It will be your own, from watching all of us and hopefully learning from our follies.
But I will remain by you should you need guidance, while here at least. It would be good for you to know the ins and out of the chief cultivator's position and what it may entail. I would rather be happy to leave the world in your capable hands lest a greedy man takes it."
no subject
No matter how skilled he is at running his sect, Nie Huaisang leads only because it is his birthright. Without the blood of the Nie Clan coursing through his veins, he would have never been in a position of authority in their world. The chief cultivator position is different. To fill the now vacant seat, he has prove himself worthy enough to secure the votes of the other sect leaders first.
"i need to learn how to work with others," he says after a moment with a sigh. "I've worked alone for so long or relied on subordinates that followed my orders without question. The inner workings of the Tamamo Clan are so different from anything I've known."
But he's slowly getting used to it in the course of his work on the turf war. Working alongside Young Master Gao, Lady Musashi, and Jin Guangyao himself have helped.
"I have some ideas but little experience working overtly with other leaders. I have no intention of abusing my authority once the position is in my grasp. Too many of our number are hungry for power and acclaim. This type of avarice is counterproductive to peace and harmony."