"I've only just started," he says as maneuvers some of the white fish onto his plate with the serving chopsticks. "It caused a bit of a stir. No one expected me to be good at organizing ceremonies or conducting rites, much less as skilled as Old Man Lan."
It's only a small demonstration of what he's capable of and to be compared favorably to a respected elder and esteemed teacher of the Gusu Lan Sect had been a great compliment. But also a little worrying, too, since with recognition also comes expectations. Nie Huaisang's always been keenly aware of the pressures that come with leadership and responsibility and harbored doubts about his abilities to meet them. A desire to avoid that extra scrutiny and burden has played a major role in his preference to downplay his abilities and present himself as far more incompetent than he actually is. It's a long-held defense mechanism and one he's finding himself backsliding into here as well as Tenkohime needs and expects more of him.
What if his best isn't good enough? It was never good enough in the past, back home. What reason does he have to believe things will be any different here?
"I suppose I'm still getting used to it. You know what people have always thought of me."
A useless good-for-nothing. The unprepared leader who caused his clan to fall into weakness and obscurity through sheer incompetence. Of course, there was way more to the situation than the public knew and they were always keen to spread unfounded rumors but being surrounded by such a negative perception of himself, however false, has still left its mark on him.
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It's only a small demonstration of what he's capable of and to be compared favorably to a respected elder and esteemed teacher of the Gusu Lan Sect had been a great compliment. But also a little worrying, too, since with recognition also comes expectations. Nie Huaisang's always been keenly aware of the pressures that come with leadership and responsibility and harbored doubts about his abilities to meet them. A desire to avoid that extra scrutiny and burden has played a major role in his preference to downplay his abilities and present himself as far more incompetent than he actually is. It's a long-held defense mechanism and one he's finding himself backsliding into here as well as Tenkohime needs and expects more of him.
What if his best isn't good enough? It was never good enough in the past, back home. What reason does he have to believe things will be any different here?
"I suppose I'm still getting used to it. You know what people have always thought of me."
A useless good-for-nothing. The unprepared leader who caused his clan to fall into weakness and obscurity through sheer incompetence. Of course, there was way more to the situation than the public knew and they were always keen to spread unfounded rumors but being surrounded by such a negative perception of himself, however false, has still left its mark on him.